


A Best Friend's Brother

by imamaryanne



Category: Boy Meets World
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-03
Updated: 2014-04-10
Packaged: 2018-01-14 11:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 40,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1265164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imamaryanne/pseuds/imamaryanne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shawn and Eric become roommates after they're kicked out of Cory & Topanga's apartment. Things happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Eric and Shawn get the boot.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm slowly moving all my fics over here to ao3 so I'll have them all in one spot. This was written over three years ago and posted on LJ. I'm not really a Shawn/Eric shipper, but I wrote this for a challenge (to myself.)

New York was strange.   
  
Not the city itself, that’s not what was strange.  The strange thing is what happened to the group of friends when they moved from Philadelphia to New York.    
  
Topanga remained her same self-assured self.  Good things would happen to Topanga, because she expected nothing less than that from herself. She got the internship that moved them to New York.  She successfully transferred her credits from Pennbrooke to NYU.  She successfully applied for, and was granted, academic scholarships.  One of which included a housing stipend deep enough for a one bedroom university-owned apartment.    
  
Eric remained the same for the most part as well.  He was still goofy as hell, still smarter than anyone gave him credit for, and still could talk a starving man out of his last bagel.  Which is how he managed to turn his temp job as an administrative assistant at a talent agency, into a permanent one within a week of starting.  And he got them to agree to give him benefits.  The pay wasn’t great, but the agency did manage the careers of a handful of minor celebrities, and Eric relished the thought of running into them during the course of business.   
  
The changes occurred mostly in Cory and Shawn. For the first time ever in their lives, Cory has his life in control. Cory didn’t freak out over moving to New York. Cory didn’t freak out over not getting into NYU as a transfer student. Cory did the sensible thing, and had already applied to Marymount Manhattan as a safety, and he got in there. And with Topanga’s housing subsidy, he didn’t need to worry about providing for rent.  He managed to get a small work study job through the University, mostly filing papers in the registrar’s office, to help make ends meet.    
  
Shawn on the other hand, felt completely untethered. Seeing Cory able to pull himself together and act like such an... _adult_ really threw Shawn for a loop. Shawn’s grades at Pennbrooke hadn’t been enough to allow him to transfer anywhere, not that he’d even tried. He applied for jobs, only to be turned down time and again. He had a terrible case of writer’s block, and couldn’t manage to throw together a decent poem or short story to save his life. Sleeping on a cot while Eric snored away on Cory and Topanga’s couch didn’t help matters much. It was one thing when Shawn was a kid or a teenager always staying at the Matthews’ house and eating their food and mooching a little parental love from Amy and Alan. But he was an adult now, and should be able to fend for himself. He shouldn’t be mooching a place to sleep, a roof, and even food (now that his meager savings had dried up) from his best friend and his best friend’s wife.    
  
It was with relief that, more than two months after moving to New York, Shawn managed to find a job working a press at a printing company. Shawn had applied thinking he’d be printing books.  But this company mostly printed letterhead, brochures, forms and file folders for offices. The commute was terrible, a forty five minute ride on the subway, followed by nearly a half hour on the two different busses to get to the scary warehouse district hidden away in the Bronx. But it was Union. Shawn was earning Union wages, which is more than his father had ever managed to do.  A week into the job, which mostly consisted of setting and switching letterhead plates to print letterhead Shawn was starting to feel a little less depressed.  He’d even brought one of his signature black notebooks along on his commute and managed to jot some notes on a potential short story.    
  
___________  
  
He got home from work late, as always after such a long commute and found Cory, Topanga and Eric sitting around the coffee table, eating pizza.    
  
“Shawnie,” Cory exclaimed, seeing his best friend come through the door.  “Sit, we saved you some pizza.”  
  
“Thanks,” Shawn said gratefully.  “What do I owe you?”  
  
“Nothing,” said Topanga quickly.  “It’s our treat.”    
  
Shawn raised his eyebrows at Topanga’s tone, but said nothing as he grabbed a slice with the works.  Say what you want about New York, there was some good pizza here.   
  
It was silent for a moment as Shawn watched Cory and Topanga looking at each other, clearly having a silent conversation with their eyes.  Finally Topanga spoke up.  “Cory and I have been thinking.  It’s been great having you guys here, and we’re happy to help you since you didn’t have any other place to go.”  
  
Eric cut her off.  “Don’t worry, Pangers.  We’ll leave.”   
  
“It’s not that we’re kicking you out. We’ve loved having you here. You’ve really helped make this transition to New York much easier,” she went on, clearly speaking lines that had been rehearsed and not accounting for the fact that Eric had spoken at all.    
  
“But you’re kicking us out,” Shawn supplied.    
  
Cory shook his head.  “Not kicking you out.  You guys take all the time you need.  We just thought that since you both had jobs now,” he did this rolling motion with his hands, as though that finished up his thought.    
  
“Not a problem,” Eric said.  “We’ll find something, right Shawn?”  
  
“We will?” This was news to Shawn.    
  
“Well, I don’t think either one of us makes quite enough money to get our own apartment.  But we could be roommates, right?”  
  
“Sure.  I mean, if we can find something we can afford,” Shawn said.  He sounded cool, non-chalant, when he said it, hiding the queasiness he felt on the inside.  Truly, Shawn liked Eric.  Eric had been a good big brother to Cory, and by proxy, a good big brother to him.  But he’d be lying if he said that he always felt entirely comfortable around Eric.    
  
Shawn told himself that it was the fact that Eric was Jack’s best friend.  And whenever there was a brotherly battle between Jack and Shawn, Shawn was sure Eric took Jack’s side.    
  
If he was going to be completely honest with himself, the real problem is that Shawn knew how well Eric could read people.  Eric sometimes seemed to be a mind-reader, the way he could interpret subtle body language.  If there was one thing Shawn wanted, it was to have certain things kept secret.     
  
  
___________  
  
“Eric, we are not doing our bathroom in a rubber ducky theme,” Shawn said forcefully.    
  
“But.....duckies!” Eric said excitedly.  They were standing in an aisle at Target, shopping for a few things for the apartment they’d just signed a lease on.   Two months had passed since Cory and Topanga had, for lack of a better word, kicked them out.  It wasn’t as easy finding a place as Eric thought it would be.  Shawn wanted a location to shorten his commute by at least a little.  They needed to save up for first and last months rent. Not to mention saving up for furniture and household items.  They finally ended up finding a somewhat reasonably priced (as New York apartments go) one bedroom, which managed to cut a good fifteen minutes off the subway ride for Shawn.  A two bedroom was just out of the question, price wise.    
  
“There’s a reason that set is in the children’s bath section,” Shawn pointed out.    
  
Eric stuck out his lower lip and looked at all the rubber ducky bathroom schwag Target had to offer.  He thought it was fate, coming to Target on this particular day when all the rubber ducky bath accessories were on sale!  There was a shower curtain patterned with duckies, a bath mat in the shape of a ducky, hand towels, a toothbrush holder, a cup, a soap dish, and a hand soap dispenser.  All in the bright yellow rubber ducky pattern.  Not to mention that Eric had found several actual rubber duckies to add to the pile.  “You’ve never appreciated the duckies like I did,” Eric accused Shawn.   
  
Shawn laughed, “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”  Shawn took careful notice of the way Eric’s lower lip protruded in a pout, and realized this is part of how he always got his way.  Shawn sighed, “I’ll agree to the toothbrush holder and the hand soap thingie.”   
  
“The shower curtain and bath mat?” Eric asked hopefully.   
  
“Don’t push it,” Shawn warned, and Eric turned away happily, putting everything except for the toothbrush holder and hand soap dispenser back on the shelf.  Shawn scanned the clearance racks, and managed to find a set of bath towels and washcloths in the same yellow as the rubber duckies and added them to their cart.  Fifty percent off, he thought, satisfied.  When he turned to add the towels to the cart, he saw that Eric had added one of the rubber duckies. Shawn rolled his eyes, but figured two dollars wouldn’t be worth arguing over.    
  
They headed over to the kitchen section, where Eric was admiring a gleaming set of aluminum all-clad pots and pans.  Shawn went right to the clearance rack and spotted a cheap set that would suffice for now.  When Eric tried to argue Shawn into getting the all-clad, Shawn asked how they would pay for it.    
  
“Credit?”  Eric asked, shrugging.    
  
Shawn sighed.  This was not a good sign.  “Eric.  You have to pay off credit eventually.  If you don’t, bills pile up and sometimes you can’t afford to pay them. And then the repo man comes.  We’re buying the cheap set.” Shawn looked down at the box, “Look it comes with a one quart and a two quart sauce pan, a stock pot, a ten inch fry pan, all with lids and a griddle.  And look, it’s on clearance and is only thirty five dollars.”    
  
Eric scrunched up his nose. “It probably won’t cook evenly.”  
  
“Since when are you a gourmet cook?  We’re probably not going to do much more than boil mac and cheese or scramble eggs.”  
  
“Fine,” Eric said.  “You take the fun out of buying new things.”  
  
“Speaking of new things,” Shawn said, “I saw a thrift store around the corner from the apartment.  We should look for furniture there.”  
  
Eric turned and looked at Shawn, eyes wide.  “Come on.”   
  
“I’m serious.  I’m not spending money on brand new furniture.  Do you have any idea what a new couch costs?”  
  
“It can’t be that much.”  
  
“Hundreds, Eric.  Hundreds of dollars that we don’t have.”  
  
“But used?”  
  
Shawn rolled his eyes for what felt like the hundredth time since they got to Target.  “You’ve been spoiled Eric.  You might be surprised what you can find at a thrift store.”  
  
__________  
  
Eric may as well have been in Disneyland.  The thrift store was enormous and Eric couldn’t believe what they could find.  There were five couches to choose from- five!  And all were in decent shape, and the most expensive was only seventy five dollars.  Sure three were hideously ugly and the fourth had an unpleasant odor, but knowing it was going to double as a bed, Shawn readily agreed to buying the seventy five dollar couch, which he had managed (to Eric’s embarrassment) to get knocked down to sixty five.  Eric turned out to be a natural at finding thrift store treasures and Shawn a natural at haggling.  Maybe not a natural, he’d been practicing since he was a kid with not enough money for a hotdog from a vendor at a Phillies game.  Eric also got them a twenty four inch television, A TV stand, a small round dining room table with three matching chairs, a coffee maker, a set of four matching coffee mugs, curtains that would fit their living room window exactly, and most importantly, he found an entire set of ten blank black notebooks, exactly like the ones that Shawn uses to write in for just a dollar. Shawn hid his face from emotion when Eric chivalrously insisted on buying the notebooks as a gift to Shawn.    
  
They lugged the smaller stuff around the corner to the apartment, arguing over the best way to get the larger items home from the thrift store.  They were given twenty-four hours to pick up their couch, television, TV stand and dining room table.  The couch would be the only one to give them a problem.    
  
Finally, at Shawn’s insistence, they went back for everything but the couch that same night, and would try to strong-arm Cory into helping them move the couch tomorrow because the new mattress (Shawn had acquiesced on the mattress being new) would be delivered.  So it was one last night at Cory and Topanga’s house.   
  
Shawn wondered if it should have hurt his feelings a little bit that Cory and Topanga seemed so excited to have the apartment to themselves. It would have bothered Shawn more, except that he’d just had a great time shopping with Eric.  In all honestly, it was probably the most fun he’d had since he came to New York.   Cory and Topanga obviously felt a little guilty, because they bought a DVD player as a house warming gift for Shawn and Eric.    
  
“You just spent your next two paychecks.  You aren’t going to have money to do anything but stay inside and watch movies,” Cory said when Shawn started saying he couldn’t accept it.    
  
Eric shoved Shawn, “Hell yeah!. We just got a free DVD player!  Don’t ruin this for me, buddy.”  
  
“Seriously guys, if there’s anything we can do to help,” Topanga offered, smiling.    
  
“Cory can help us move our couch tomorrow,” Eric said bluntly.    
  
Cory blanched, but quickly hid it under a smile. “Yeah, of course.” He paused.  “Anything else?” Cory asked, arms wide.   
  
Shawn shook his head. “You’ve done too much.  Letting us stay here for four months.  Rent-free.”    
  
Cory enveloped Shawn in a big hug, “Shawnie.  You’d do the same for me.”    
  
Shawn melted a little, the distance he’d been feeling from Cory the last few months suddenly vanishing.  Shawn grabbed Cory’s hair in the back, “Don’t you dare become a boring married couple,” he warned Cory, loud enough so Topanga could hear and laugh.  “Eric and I will still be here to make sure you don’t.”   
  
Topanga turned her back to grab more drinks from the refrigerator.  Eric noticed Shawn turn his head slightly so his nose was buried in Cory’s hair and inhale deeply but subtly. 


	2. In Which Eric and Shawn are alone together

“So.” Eric said. 

“So,” Shawn agreed. He stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his feet.

“I guess it’s time to figure out who gets the bedroom first.”  Shawn and Eric had decided they’d take turns in the bedroom.  Six months each.  They’d signed a lease for one year, so it would split evenly. 

“How?” Shawn asked.

Eric shrugged. “Flip a coin?”  He pulled a quarter out of his pocket.

“Let me see the quarter,” Shawn said suspiciously. 

“Why?” Eric asked innocently, eyes wide.  

“I wouldn’t put it past you to own a double-headed quarter.”  Shawn held out his hands. 

Eric smiled, but humored Shawn by handing over the coin. Shawn inspected both sides before nodding his head in agreement.   “Call it,” he said to Eric. 

“Tails.” Eric said.

Shawn caught the coin in mid-air and flipped it onto the back of his left hand and held his right hand over it.  “Ready?” he asked Eric. 

Eric nodded. 

Shawn removed his hands.  “Dammit!” he cursed loudly.  It was tails.  Eric was, by far, the luckiest bastard he’d ever met.  “And I let you get ducky stuff for the bathroom!”

Eric laughed as he grabbed a few of his bags and headed toward the bedroom calling out “Sorry, chum!” 

Shawn dragged his few bags and boxes of personal possessions over to the couch and sat down.  It really was a comfortable couch.  He kicked off his shoes and stretched out.  It wasn’t that bad a bed, either.  He could do this for six months, he guessed, since he kind of had no choice.  He looked around the apartment. It was kind of a mess. It was obviously just moved-into. Boxes of junk. Bags of clothes. Target bags littered the ground and were piled high on the dining room table. 

Eric came out of the bedroom. “Dressers.”  He said to Shawn.

“Huh?” Shawn asked, broken out of his reverie. 

“We don’t have dressers,” Eric explained patiently. “ Where are we going to put our clothes?” 

Shawn sighed.  My god, all this needing new things, would it never end? He raised his hands in a gesture of futility. “I’m pretty much out of money until payday.” 

Eric shoved Shawn’s legs over and sat down on the couch.  “Me too.”

“So we keep our stuff in boxes for now,” Shawn said.  Shawn, the one who was more used to living out of boxes. 

“Mmm,” Eric agreed idly.  He grabbed Shawn’s foot and started rubbing.

“What the hell are you doing, Eric?” Shawn asked. 

“Giving you a foot rub. Don’t you like it?”

Shawn sucked in a breath.  Yeah he liked it.  “It’s weird.” He said.

Eric dropped his foot.  “All right,” he said, the topic of foot rubs all but forgotten.  “I’m gonna hook up the DVD player. Let’s watch a movie.”

“Shouldn’t we be unpacking?” 

Eric shrugged. “Don’t feel like it, and all this shit will still be here tomorrow.”  He got up off the couch and opened the box for the DVD player.  

“We don’t have DVDs,” Shawn said.

“I snaked some of Cory and Topanga’s,” Eric said, his voice muffled from behind the TV stand.  “They’re in a Target bag.”  

Shawn started sifting through Target bags, pausing momentarily to roll his eyes and smile at the rubber ducky toothbrush holder smiling up at him.  Finally he found a bag with about eight DVDs in it.  “What do you want to watch?”

“Dunno,” Eric mumbled, working on screwing a cable into their used television.  “Whatever you want.”

Shawn looked at the movies.  There was nothing he hadn’t seen a dozen times already. Finally he chose  _Airplane,_  which would never grow old. 

Still, a day of moving a couch and doing some unpacking had been tiring, and Shawn ended up falling asleep less than an hour into the movie.  His legs were stretched over Eric’s lap, and he only stirred when Eric got up to go to bed, carefully covering Shawn with a blanket before he left.

  


_____________________________

 

The next morning, Shawn woke up feeling panicked. He was dangerously late for work.  Eric woke up in the same situation and they argued over who would shower first.  Shawn pointed out that he had a longer commute and was faster in the shower anyway.  Eric relented, but stood outside the bathroom in his bathrobe waiting for the water to turn off.  He gave Shawn a minute to dry off before knocking.  “I’m coming in!” he announced.

“Eric!” Shawn exclaimed, hugging the bath towel close to him.  “I’m not done drying!”

“Close your eyes, you big baby,” Eric complained.  Shawn did and Eric stepped into the shower, threw out his bath robe,  and turned on the water. 

Shawn quickly finished drying, and wrapped the towel around his waist and started brushing his teeth.  When he got paid, he was going to get a bathrobe, first thing.  With Eric around the house barging into the bathroom, it might be necessary. 

Shawn left the bathroom and dressed in the living room.  It took a while to find clean clothes, and Eric came out of the bathroom and into the living room just as Shawn was zipping up his jeans. 

“We’re going to have to talk about you walking in on me dressing and showering,” Shawn said.

“Why?” Eric said blandly.  “You haven’t got anything I haven’t seen before.”

“Maybe I’d like a little privacy.”

Eric looked at Shawn for several seconds, his eyes studying Shawn’s face.  “Right.” Eric said.  “Raised an only child, dad barely home.  I get it.”

“I’m not being prudish,” Shawn insisted.

“ _Sure_ you’re not.” Eric rolled his eyes. 

“I’m  _not._ ”

“All right,” Eric held his hands up in surrender.  “I believe you. Just don’t expect me to walk around fully clothed in my own house all the time.”

“God, would you please?”

“Wear pants when I don’t have to? Hell no!”

Shawn rolled his eyes. There was no time to argue. He grabbed his wallet and keys, and called out good bye to Eric as he ran out the door. 

  


_____________________

 

That night, Eric and Shawn managed to unpack a little more. Eric brought home leftover pizza and cake from a co-worker’s birthday celebration at work, so dinner was taken care of. While they sat down to eat, they stared at the eight DVDs Eric had stolen from Cory and Topanga. 

“We should call Cory and Topanga. See what they’re doing tonight.”  Eric suggested. 

“Definitely,” Shawn agreed. Shawn felt relieved that Eric had brought it up. Shawn wasn’t sure if it was just him, or if Eric could feel it to. Living with Eric was...well, it wasn’t what he expected.  He and Eric had always gotten along, but there was this certain uncomfortableness between the two, and Shawn couldn’t quite put his finger on exactly what it was. It’s maybe the fact that Eric wasn’t really  _his_  friend, but was the brother of his best friend.  Maybe Eric knew (and Shawn hoped he didn’t) that if he was sharing a one bedroom apartment with anyone, he wanted it to be Cory. 

Just two days out of Cory and Topanga’s apartment, and Shawn was loathe to admit how much he missed Cory. He understood that with Cory in college and married that even when they lived together, there was a growing distance between them. But it didn’t change that he and Cory were best friends. Shawn had been able to rely on Cory forever.  Cory was the rock in Shawn’s life, and even though they were living apart now, and Shawn had a job that he was perfectly content with, Shawn knew he’d always be able to rely on Cory. And while they were living together, there would be quiet moments when Topanga and Eric weren’t home that Cory and Shawn fell right back into their insanely close relationship. 

Maybe that’s what was feeling wrong between Eric and Shawn. Shawn would rather have Cory there, and Eric knew it.  And Shawn knew that Eric knew it. The shadow of Cory was the elephant in the room, both were polite enough to ignore. 

Eric picked up the phone and dialed.  “Cory! What are you and the wife up to tonight?”  He paused.  “Oh yeah?  Sounds like fun.”  Another pause. “No, it’s OK.  We can go out another time.”  Eric hung up and looked at Shawn.  “Topanga has a late class. Cory’s going out with some other guys from his accounting class.”

“Oh,” Shawn was disappointed, but made a show of shrugging it off. He waved his hands toward the DVDs, “Well, pick a movie then.”

Eric sighed and looked at the collection.  “I really don’t care.”

 

_____________________

 

The following night, Cory had a study group and Topanga was working late at her internship.  The next night, Cory and Topanga were going to a movie and didn’t ask Shawn and Eric to join them.  (Not that they would have been able to. Both were waiting two days until payday). The next night, Eric and Shawn collectively decided that they didn’t want to sound pathetic calling on Cory and Topanga again, so they stayed in.  They watched another DVD, this one borrowed from one of Shawn’s co-workers, who heard about his plight of having no cable and no internet until he got a few more paychecks in. 

Finally it was Friday and it was payday for both Eric and Shawn. Both came home beaming to finally have some money in their hands. 

“I know we need cable,” Eric said.  “I know we need the internet.  I know we need dressers, but for God’s sake, can we use this money to call Cory and Topanga to go out for some drinks first?”

“Yes.” Shawn agreed immediately. He’d noticed a bar around the street offering half-price drinks Fridays until 8:00.  

This time Shawn dialed Cory and Topanga’s number.  No answer.  He left a message. “Hey guys, it’s Shawn. Listen, Eric and I both got paid today and really want to go out and do something fun. So give me a call and let me know what you guys want to do.”

He hung up and shrugged. Both Eric and Shawn were silent for a moment.

“I’ll make dinner while we wait for them to call back,” Eric offered. 

“Yeah, OK. You make dinner, and I’ll work on more unpacking.”  Unpacking was a slow process, made worse by the fact that they were putting things away piecemeal. 

Proving Shawn right from their trip to Target, Eric started boiling water for some macaroni and cheese.  He decided to make it healthy by added a bag of frozen peas to it. 

“We truly eat like kings,” Shawn said sarcastically as Eric handed him a plate piled high with the orange sticky noodles and green peas. 

“It’s what we have. We should probably go grocery shopping.” 

Shawn sighed, thinking of that beautiful paycheck in his wallet, slowly spending itself into oblivion. 

Dinner ended, and Cory and Topanga never called.  Without really talking about it or agreeing to it, Shawn and Eric stayed in for another night.  This time Shawn held up a book he’d gotten from the library. “I’m sorry, I can’t watch another DVD.” 

“It’s fine,” Eric said and grabbed a DVD he knew Shawn wouldn’t like and sat down to watch. 

They both fell asleep before eleven.

 

_____________________

 

They managed to find a small three-drawer chest of drawers at the thrift store on Saturday morning.  Eric kindly told Shawn he should use it for his things.  Because, as the lucky one with the bedroom, Eric did at least have a closet to store some things.  They did manage to procure two small book cases, one for the bedroom and one for the living room. Eric decided he’d use his book case as a drawer-less dresser for now. Shawn used the one in the living room for his handful of books that he actually owned (more of a library-rat, Shawn didn’t actually own many books) and his own black notebooks. They added the eight DVDs from Cory and Topanga to the bottom shelf. 

Everything was finally unpacked.  Eric and Shawn looked around their apartment.  It was small, for sure, but their meager possessions fit nicely into it.  From the front door, a small galley kitchen was located to the right, a small coat closet to the left.  The kitchen had a linoleum floor, which was cracked, but otherwise clean, and old-fashioned appliances. Beyond the kitchen was a big room with the dining room table pressed up against the wall next to the kitchen.  It was just as well that the table only came with three chairs, there was no room for the fourth.  The living room featured their brown and cream couch up against the left wall, with Shawn’s dresser immediately next to it.  The couch faced their TV, sitting on top of the TV stand with the book case next to that.  There was no coffee table, and the floors were wood with no rug on them. 

Shawn started making a list of things to procure in the next several months, as more paychecks became available.  Rug, coffee table, a dresser for the bedroom, cable, internet. He decided to just stop thinking about it. 

“Let’s call Cory and Topanga,” Shawn suggested.  “Get them to go out with us tonight.”

“Good idea,” Eric agreed. 

Shawn dialed their number.  “Hey Cor! Where were you last night?”

“Topanga and I met our neighbors yesterday.  A couple from India and they had us over for a traditional Indian meal.”  Cory was going on and on about the couple and how nice they were, and why hadn’t they ever tried Indian food before?  Shawn bit his lip to keep from reminding Cory that until recently, he would have wrinkled his nose at the idea of something as strange and exotic as Indian food. 

Finally, when Cory took a breath, Shawn asked, “Do you guys want to go out with us tonight?”

“Ah, Shawnie,” Cory did manage to at least sound apologetic.  “We can’t. This guy I met from one of my classes had a couple extra ticket to a Rangers game, and we’re going to that.” 

“Oh, have a good time,” Shawn said, hoping his voice didn’t sound as stiff as he thought it might. 

“Well, what did you and Eric end up doing last night?”

“Nothing really.  We finished unpacking and I read while Eric watched a DVD.”

“From the movies he stole from me?”

Shawn laughed, “Yeah.”  He rested his forehead against the wall. He really wanted to see Cory again. 

“Listen, Shawnie.  I have a crazy idea.”

“What?”

“You and Eric can go out together.   I swear you don’t need me and Topanga there.”

Shawn’s throat caught for a second.  He cleared his throat.  “I know.” He said defensively.  “I just thought I’d ask and see if you wanted to.”

“Sure,” Cory said.  “Think about it though. You’ve got a paycheck. Go out and have fun. You don’t have to wait for me to do that. We’re the boring old married couple now anyway.”

This was Cory talking?  Cory who until a few months ago never did anything without Topanga or Shawn present? Shawn swallowed the lump in his throat.  “Sure, Cor.  Sure.”

“What’d they say?” Eric asked when Shawn hung up the phone. .

“They can’t go.”  Shawn cleared his throat.  “Cory said you and I should just go out ourselves.”

“Oh,” Eric looked marginally surprised at that suggestion.  “I guess we could do that. Want to go?” 

“Yes,” Shawn said.  “Let’s go.”

 


	3. In which Cory makes an astute observation

Eric and Shawn hadn’t really taken the time to get to know their neighborhood.  So when they went out that Saturday night, they randomly chose a direction to walk in, scouring for a good restaurant with a bar that seemed reasonably priced. After about three blocks, they came to a small green restaurant, whose sign simply read ‘The Pub.’    
 

“The Pub. I’ll bet that place is good,” Eric said, pointing.    
 

Shawn checked out the menu on the wall. Easy things: burgers, fries, fish and chips. Pub fare was just what he was looking for. 

 

They walked in and looked around. It was still relatively early for a Saturday night, just past six o’clock, so the place wasn’t crowded. There were a handful of tables still available and the bar was mostly empty.    A hostess sat them at a table and handed them each a food menu and a beer menu. 

 

Shawn whistled quietly looking at the beer menu.  “There must be a hundred beers to choose from!”

 

Eric wrinkled his nose.  “Beer,” he scoffed.  “Everyone knows that real men drink fruity cocktails.”

 

Shawn looked at him. “Don’t. Please don’t come into a place called The Pub and order a fluorescent drink with an umbrella and twisty straw. And please, don’t make it a frozen drink.”

 

Eric laughed.  “Well, I _was_ going to order a beer. But how much would you pay me to order a fruity drink with a straight face?”

 

Shawn laughed too.  “I would pay you  _not_ to. I don’t want to be seen with a guy drinking a frozen pink drink.”

 

“You have no sense of adventure,” Eric accused him. 

 

After getting the lowdown from the waitress, whose name tag read Gretchen, on several microbrews on the menu, Shawn finally decided on one and ordered it. She asked Eric what he wanted and he looked at the beer menu, pretending to study it hard, his forehead wrinkled in concentration. 

 

“I think......” he started off slowly.  “I think I’ll have a frozen strawberry daiquiri.” 

 

“Oh god,” Shawn started laughing. 

 

“Really?” Gretchen asked, an amused look on her face. 

 

“Real men drink fruity cocktails,” he assured her, with a wink in his voice.

 

“All right.” She seemed to be at a loss for what to say, and shook her head slightly though still smiling while she wrote down his drink order.  “Decided on food?”

 

“Cheddar bacon cheeseburger, no tomato and french fries,” Shawn ordered. 

 

“Hmmm.  Do you think the fish and chips would complement the fruity palate of my drink, or are those flavors too clashing?” Eric asked seriously, tapping his fingers against his cheek.

 

Gretchen laughed loudly, clearly enjoying the Eric Show.  “I think you’ll be fine.”  She wrote down his order on her tablet and winked at him as she turned to walk away. 

 

“She likes you,” Shawn said watching Gretchen walk away.

 

“You think?” Eric asked. He looked mildly disinterested and stared out the window. 

 

“You should get her number,” Shawn persisted. 

 

“Why?” 

 

“ _Why?_  Really?  Are you asking me  _why_  you should go get a pretty girl’s number?”

 

“Is she pretty?  I hadn’t noticed.” Eric turned back toward the table and looked Shawn straight in the eye. 

 

“Eric. You did too.”

 

“Maybe,” Eric shrugged.  “But she’s not ‘the one.’”

 

Shawn rolled his eyes. “You can’t possibly know that just from her taking our order.”

 

“Don’t question my methods, son.” 

 

Shawn laughed at this, being called son, and at Eric’s entire view point on the pretty waitress. 

 

“Maybe _you_  should try to get her number,” Eric encouraged him.

 

Shawn looked at Gretchen from afar.  She was tall, not terribly thin but not exactly fat either.  She had blond hair, pulled into a simple ponytail. She wore very little makeup. She had an All-American healthy girl next door look about her.  “Nah.” Shawn said.  “I don’t think she’s my type.”

 

Eric nodded knowingly. 

 

Both of them drank more than they intended, and they left the restaurant several hours later with their bellies full and their minds humming.  They both had a great time.

 

“What should we do?” Eric bounced tipsily a little while walking. 

 

“God, Eric.” Shawn said, stumbling a little over a dip in the sidewalk.  “Let’s stop spending money as soon as we get it.”

 

“When did you become so frugal?”

 

“D’you have any idea how I was raised?” Shawn asked incredulously and swaying slightly.  “Did’ja see the trailer park?  D’you think maybe I don’t wanna live like that again?”

 

“You’re not gonna be like that.”

 

“Uh-uh,” Shawn stopped and shook his head. “You can’t say that.  You never know what’s gonna happen in the future.  We  _all_  might be trailer trash in the future.”

 

“You think you’re trailer trash?” Eric asked, his voice mimicking Shawn’s seriousness.

 

“You can take the boy out of the trailer park....” Shawn said, his voice drifting off. 

 

“You’re  _fine,_ ” Eric said, exasperated a little.  “We aren’t in the poor house.  We’ve taken the boy out of the trailer park and the trailer park out of the boy. I promise.”

 

It was the most serious discussion they would have all week. As the rest of that week went on, Shawn and Eric couldn’t afford to go out every night. But they did manage to go to the grocery store and buy a lot of food to experiment with recipes from a cookbook Shawn had taken out of the library. 

 

“Goose liver!” Eric said one night, browsing through the cook book. “I’m going to cook us some goose liver.” 

 

“That’s foul,” Shawn said. 

 

“Do you mean F-O-W-L?” Eric asked lightly.

 

Shawn groaned. “God, stop it. That was terrible.”  Shawn took the book and closed it.  He opened to a random page, “Spinach Orzo.”  He scanned the list of ingredients.  “That’s what I’m making tomorrow night.”

 

“Should we invite Cory and Topanga?” Eric asked. 

 

Since going out the previous Saturday night, Eric and Shawn had been having so much fun together at night that neither one of them had thought to call Cory and Topanga.  Shawn glanced at the cookbook, “This makes four servings.”

 

Eric picked up the phone, called Cory, but had to leave a message. Later that night, after a simple meal of spaghetti and meatballs, Cory called back and said he and Topanga couldn’t make it for dinner. 

 

This time, the rejection hurt Shawn a little less. “More leftovers for us,” he shrugged. 

 

Two weeks passed.  Eric and Shawn managed to get an internet hookup, get a DVD club membership, and go out to The Pub a few more times.  It didn’t take long, and any uncomfortable feeling that had been there just a few weeks prior, seemed to disappear, and Shawn and Eric managed to get to know each other better than they had at any other point in their lives. 

___________________

 

“So then Eric was like, ‘Oh ma’am, could I get a pink umbrella with the drink?  Blue’s not my color.’” Shawn said to Cory. 

 

Cory laughed.  “It doesn’t surprise me. Eric’s completely shameless.”

 

“Yeah, I’m learning that,” Shawn smiled widely.  “We were at a  _sports bar_.” 

 

In a surprise move, Cory called Shawn about a month after he and Eric had moved out and asked if they could go out, just the two of them, like in the old days.  So on that Thursday night, Shawn was leading Cory to The Pub, what had become a favorite hangout for Shawn and Eric when they found themselves with a little extra cash to spend, and after Shawn had decided not to ever return to the other sports bar with Eric after that incident, which included a nearby rugby team spending their meal glaring at Eric and Shawn after overhearing Eric ask specifically for the pink umbrella. 

“Tell me about school,” Shawn prompted, realizing he’d just dominated the conversation with Eric’s antics. 

 

“It’s good.  But you know, I think Topanga and I let ourselves get too busy. We both got so far behind in school work, like, right away.”

 

“But you’ll do all right?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Finals start in ten days. This is my last night of freedom until they’re over.”

 

“Aw.  And you chose to spend it with me.”

 

Cory wrapped his arm around Shawn and lay his head on Shawn’s shoulder. “I’ve missed you buddy.”

 

Shawn wrapped his arm around Cory’s shoulder and led him gently to The Pub. 

 

“New boyfriend?” Gretchen asked Shawn when Cory left to use the restroom before placing their order.

 

Shawn laughed uncomfortably.  “No. Best friend actually.”

 

Gretchen blushed, “Oh.  Just the way you had your arms around each other....,” her voice drifting off. 

 

Shawn felt the blush rise in his face, as he assured Gretchen it was all right. 

 

Cory slid into the booth before Gretchen left and ordered a beer.  Shawn ordered one too, and Gretchen left to get their order. 

 

“You know her?” Cory asked.

 

“She works a lot.  Eric and I come here a lot.”

 

“Oh yeah?  I think she likes you.”

 

“What? Nah, I don’t think so.”

 

“Shawnie, I’m pretty sure she does. Tell me about you and Eric going out. What are you, chasing tail?”

 

Shawn guffawed, “Chasing tail?  Does anyone even  _say_  that anymore?”

 

“You know what I mean.  Are you meeting any ladies?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“Not really? Or not at all?”

 

Shawn rolled his eyes, “Not at all, Cory. Two guys in a one bedroom apartment, OK?  Where am I supposed to take a girl? To my couch?”

 

“OK, but to not even flirt with-” Cory broke off as Gretchen returned with their drinks. 

 

“You want the usual Shawn?” She asked.

 

“Um, yeah. That’s fine.”

 

“I’ll have the grilled chicken with pub fries,” Cory ordered when Gretchen turned her attention to him.

 

“She called you Shawn,” he whispered.

 

“Well, that  _is_ my name, Cor.”

 

“She knows your usual.”

 

“I’ve been here before, Cor.”

 

“I’m telling you. She likes you.”

 

_She thinks I’m gay._  Shawn suddenly realized, but didn’t say. Shawn was uncomfortable with where this conversation was going, so he turned and looked out the window without answering Cory. 

 

“Get her number,” Cory urged.

 

“Cory.  Stop.” Shawn begged.  “I don’t want to meet a girl right now.”

 

“This isn’t my Shawnie talking. You  _always_  want to meet girls.”

 

“The time isn’t right.”

 

“The time isn’t right?  Shawnie. You’re twenty-two. You’re single. You haven’t slept with anyone since Angela. You’re living in the greatest city in America which is crawling with single ladies.”

 

“Are you trying to live vicariously through me?” Shawn asked, snapping more than he meant to.

 

Cory looked taken aback.  “No. I love Topanga. This just doesn’t seem like you.”

 

Shawn sighed.  “I told you Cory. I don’t even have a bedroom to take a girl back to, OK?” 

 

Cory, for what it’s worth, took the hint and shifted the subject slightly, without actually outright  _changing_  it.  “Topanga knows some girls she could set you up with. They mostly live in the dorms.”  Cory’s voice rose in a suggestive manner at the end of the sentence. 

 

“I’m not going to be a guy that some NYU girl can go slumming with.” Shawn said defensively. 

 

“Sorry, Shawn,” Cory was defensive now.  “It’s just listening to you talk about coming out here with Eric and going home with Eric and cooking with Eric and watching movies with Eric and not even  _trying_  to meet a girl.  It kinda sounds like you’re dating  _Eric_.”

 

______________________________

 

Eventually, Shawn managed to change the subject and he actually did manage to have a good time with his best friend.  And with enough alcohol, he was able to get the sound of Cory’s voice saying  _it kinda sounds like you’re dating Eric_ more toward the back of his mind, rather than front and center where it had taken root initially. 

 

After leaving The Pub, Shawn got Cory safely into a cab, hugging him (not enjoying the secret hair sniff nearly as much as he normally does) and wishing him good luck on his finals.  

 

In the few minutes that Shawn took to walk home, he really thought about what Cory had said. And he realized that Cory was right. It  _did_  sound like he was dating Eric.

 

The thought scared the hell out of Shawn. 

 

It scared him that he kind of wished it was true. 

 

It scared him that his instinct after hearing that is to run away. To leave Eric and any potential messy situation and run back to the trailer park in Philly. 

 

It scared him that doing that would mean he wouldn’t see Eric again. 

 

When Shawn went into the apartment, hoping to crash immediately.  He was not happy to find Eric still awake.  

 

“How was it?” Eric asked, pausing the DVD he was watching. 

 

“Cory wanted to know why neither one of us is trying to ‘chase tail,’ when we go out. And he said it sounds like  _we’re_  dating.” Shawn had no idea why he was telling Eric this. 

 

Eric looked mildly surprised. “Huh. Yeah, I guess I can see where Cory’s coming from.”  Eric calmly took a bite of popcorn.

 

“Doesn’t that bother you?”

 

“No. It’s never really bothered me what Cory thinks. But I’ll bet it bothers you.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Eric stood up and picked up the nearly empty popcorn bowl and walked to the kitchen.  “Don’t be coy, Shawn.  You know what it means.”

 

“Tell me what you think it means.”  Shawn’s teeth were gritted now. 

 

Eric sighed. “Look.  I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never told anyone except Feeny and Jason.” 

 

Eric paused for so long, Shawn had to say, “Yeah?”

 

“I’m bisexual.”

 

“What?  Eric, stop fucking around. You are not.”

 

“Yes I am. Jason was my first boyfriend.  Really, my only boyfriend. I had one kind of disastrous night at a gay bar once right after I turned twenty one, but  I’ve only had girlfriends since then.  But I’ve never ruled out dating another guy.”

 

Shawn shifted uncomfortably. “Why’re you telling  _me_  this?”

 

Eric put the popcorn bowl into the sink and leaned against the counter. “Because I _know_ you’re gay.”

 

“But I’m not.” Shawn argued.

 

“Shawn.” Eric started, then broke off, thinking hard.  “You can tell me you’re not, but I know you are.  I know you love Cory.”

 

Shawn felt a lump growing in his throat. “You can’t possibly know that.” Eric shrugged, and Shawn continued,  “Did Angela tell you?” his voice broke a little.

 

“I just pay attention,” Eric said quietly looking Shawn straight in the eyes. 

 

Shawn shifted his glance to the side, not wanting to meet Eric’s eyes anymore. His mind was racing. Eric wasn’t wrong. Except that this last month has made Shawn wonder more and more exactly which Matthews brother he was in love with. 

 

Eric took a step closer to Shawn.  “Shawn?  I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. The timing just seemed-”

 

Shawn shut Eric up by kissing him. 

 

It took Eric by surprise at first and Shawn could feel Eric’s eyes wide open for a few moments before he sighed and closed them, pressing his body closer to Shawn’s and leaning into the kiss. 

 

Eric wrapped his arms around Shawn’s waist and Shawn reached up and grabbed Eric’s hair just above the back of his neck. The same way Eric had seen him do to Cory when they hugged. Eric swiped his tongue over Shawn’s bottom lip and Shawn opened his mouth to let Eric’s tongue in. 

 

They kissed like that for well over a minute, Eric caressing the small of Shawn’s back and Shawn running his fingers through Eric’s hair.

 

Shawn pulled away first.  He was breathing hard, his hand to his lips.  “Wha-?”  He didn’t seem to be able to say anything else. 

 

“Yeah,” Eric seemed to agree with Shawn’s inability to form a coherent thought.  “I’ve kinda wanted to do that for a while now.”

 

“I gotta go,” Shawn said.  He grabbed his jacket and his keys and did what he’d always done best.  He ran away.  


	4. In which Shawn runs

When Shawn was fifteen years old, he had just started getting interested in writing poetry. It was typical angsty-teenage poetry, to be sure. But it was poetry nonetheless and is was something that was  _his._  He didn’t have money for a lot of things. He didn’t have a mother. He barely had a father. The words written in those little black books became something he could hold on to. Something he could own. A way he could deal absentee parents, and the welfare office and, with loving Cory and not being loved back. 

One day shortly after Shawn had begun writing in earnest, he was outside the trailer and he noticed a really beautiful sunset.  And seeing such a beautiful sight as the backdrop against the ugliness of the trailer park really caught him by surprise.  So he grabbed his black book, sat on a lawn chair in front of the trailer and started writing about it. 

He was barely two lines in, when the black book was snatched from his hands. It was his neighbor, Johnny, a recent high school drop out still living with his mother in the small trailer. Johnny would, no doubt, be a lifelong resident of the trailer park, when he wasn’t in jail that is.

“Give that back!” Shawn yelled.

“What do we got here?” Johnny asked. He started flipping through the book, turning his back to Shawn every time the younger boy tried to grab it from him.  “You think you’re a little poet now, Hunter?”

“Just give it back,” Shawn’s face was bright red. 

_"A marmalade sky hangs above the grey metal..."_ Johnny started reading. “What the fuck is marmalade?”

“It’s a word for orange.”

“Why the fuck don’t you just say orange then?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

Johnny got real close to Shawn’s face.  Shawn could smell the stale cigarettes on his breath. “I understand one thing, Hunter. Fucking faggots write poetry. You write poetry, you must be a fucking faggot.”

Then Johnny turned and threw Shawn’s black book down the storm drain.  He turned to look at Shawn daring him to fight.  Shawn didn’t. He followed what had always been his strongest instinct and he ran to the Matthews’ house. Where he proceeded to tell no one about what’d happened, but to feel better to be in a warm loving home. 

As Shawn ran from his New York apartment, leaving a stunned and confused Eric behind, all Shawn could hear in his mind was the voice of Johnny.  _Fucking faggot._   Over and over again he heard it  _Fucking faggot._ As his shoes slapped against the side walk he heard it in rhythm, _fucking_ (slap) _faggot_ (slap.)

_What a stupid thing to remember,_  Shawn thought to himself.   _What a stupid memory._

Shawn didn’t know where he was going until he got there.  He took the stairs, two at a time, rather than wait for the elevator.  But once he got outside Cory and Topanga’s apartment, he couldn’t bring himself to knock. He stood there, catching his breath wondering what was he supposed to say.   _Sorry to barge in like this, I just got really uncomfortable after making out with Eric?_ Or  _Cory, you know when you said it sounds like I’m dating Eric? Well, I kinda realized I want to._  Yeah, no thanks. Or even worse,  _Now Topanga, before you urge me to march in any parades...._  

Shawn turned and slowly walked back to the elevator and took it back to the street. He had nowhere to go. He couldn’t talk to Cory. He couldn’t go home. He wasn’t quite ready to run as far as Philadelphia. Not yet anyway.

He jumped on the subway and rode. Without thinking, he got off where he normally would for work. He never really looked around this neighborhood. All he did was come out the steps and wait at the nearest bus stop. This time, he looked around.  

It was seedy, without seeming outright dangerous.  There was only  _one_  check-cashing and bail bonds place. Shawn walked a few blocks and came to a cheap looking motel. He remembered his last day in Philly, packing up and waiting for Eric and Cory at the Matthews’ house.  Alan had pulled Shawn aside. 

Alan pressed a credit card into Shawn’s hand. “This is for emergencies, Shawn.”

Shawn looked at it. It was a prepaid credit card with $250.00 on it. He hadn’t forgotten it, exactly. He just didn’t think that furniture or internet access was what Alan had intended for the money when he’d given it to him. 

Of course, Alan probably didn’t expect Shawn to use it as a way to run away from his problems, one of which included possibly being in love with both Matthews brothers at the same time.    

Shawn sighed and grabbed the credit card and went in to get a room.

 __________________________

 

He woke up the next morning on his own at seven o’clock.  Shawn momentarily forgot where he was, and upon remembering the night before was shocked that he’d been able to sleep at all. But he had. When he’d gotten to the room, he fell on the bed instantly in a deep dreamless sleep. 

As he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, Shawn sat up and looked around.  The hotel room was surprisingly large, but a little on the dingy side. The quilt looked like it was a good two decades old, the worn mustard-yellow carpet possibly even older. A small television set was chained to a dresser with drawers in mismatched shades of faux-wood. Shawn got up and wandered into the bathroom.  Like the rest of the room, it was decorated in the mustard yellow color so reminiscent of the early 1980's.  But there were, at least, clean white towels and washcloths hanging up, as well as a small bar of soap. 

Shawn showered, using the bar of soap to wash his body and hair.  It wasn’t his usual conditioning shampoo, one item Shawn would uncharacteristically loosen his purse strings to buy. (Because, Shawn reasoned, his hair was one of his few assets. He’d better take care of it.) But a bar of soap through his hair was better than nothing.  As Shawn got out of the shower and dried off, he sighed to realize he’d have to face the day in the same clothes he’d worn yesterday. 

This whole time, showering and dressing, Shawn forced himself to think of nothing.  He wasn’t going to think of last night.  Maybe if he could put it out of his mind, it’d be like it never happened.  So Shawn continued his rote movements of getting ready for the day with his mind as blank as ever.  

He left the hotel, checked out, and went down the street to a drug store, where he bought a bottle of mouthwash and a candy bar for breakfast.  Then he went to the bus stop and waited for the bus to take him to work. 

_Not thinking about this,_  he thought to himself.   _I will not think about this._ He chanted the lines over and over to himself, through both bus changes and finally getting off the second bus and walking the quarter mile to the warehouse. 

“Hey Shawn,” his co-worker, Star called to him. 

“Hey Star,” Shawn answered, wondering, as always, what type of parents would name their daughter Star.

“You OK?  You look terrible.”  

“I’m fine he assured her,” patting his hair down on top.  “We the only ones here?”

Star nodded.  “Not many orders today either. We finished the corporate holiday cards last week.  Most companies have a slow time around Christmas. We might even get out early from now till New Years.”

“Oh.  Good,” Shawn said faintly. Early?  Like having to spend even more time with Eric tonight? No thanks. 

Star looked at him critically.  “You sure you’re OK?”

“Yeah.”  He nodded, then added, “Yes,” Perhaps to reassure himself just as much as Star. 

He and Star got to work, pulling up orders on the computer and going to the stock room to pull the proper plates for the press.  They talked amicably the whole time.  Shawn genuinely liked Star.  They had a lot in common; both were raised poor and in a trailer park by single parents. Star never really had a family like the Matthews that she could count on, and it was no surprise to anyone, Star least of all, when she found herself pregnant at nineteen with no boyfriend to speak of. But - this is where Shawn really respected Star-She didn’t want to raise a child where she’d been raised, and so she moved to New York not knowing anyone. 

“If there’s a place to start over, I figured it was New York City,” Star had explained to him one day.  She waited tables and rented a room. After her son was born, she was still shoved in that small room with him in his crib, and relying on neighbors, who really couldn’t be relied on, for childcare.  She was a good waitress though, and one day she struck up a conversation with the head of the local Printers Union, who managed to hook her up with this job.  “I was so happy to get out of there,” Star confided to Shawn.  She’d been at the company for seven years, supporting herself and her son who is now eight. Shawn had to admit, she deserved a lot of respect.  

In a weird way, other than Eric, and more than Cory and Topanga recently, Star had become one constant in Shawn’s life.  He liked her and he liked working with her. She actually kind of reminded him of Topanga in temperament, if not in circumstances. Star was a perfectionist in her work, going so far as to use a straight-edge before boxing up letter head.  She can’t stand a stack of papers that’s not nice and neat.  

The phone rang at about ten o’clock, and Star left Shawn to go answer it.  She came back minutes later with a weird look on her face.  “That was your roommate.  He was calling to make sure you made it in to work. Said you didn’t come home last night.”  She didn’t sound accusatory, more curious.  

“Oh yeah,” Shawn said, hesitating a little.  “We kind of had a thing last night. And I took off.”

“What kind of thing?”

“Like, an argument I guess,” Shawn lied.

Star rolled her eyes.  “Very mature, Shawn.  Run away.”  She was goading him, he knew.  Shawn had told Star about his failed attempts at running away when he was a teenager. 

“It’s not like that.” Shawn insisted.  “It was a really uncomfortable situation and I don’t have a bedroom, OK?  I have a couch. I just needed to get out of there.”

“Can you tell me what happened?”

Shawn blushed, “I’d rather not.”

“OK,” Star didn’t push him.  She bit her lip. “Anyway, he seemed concerned, and definitely relieved that you were here and not, like, in the morgue or something.” Shawn nodded, not saying anything and turning back to the task of boxing up reams of letterhead for a law office.  Star continued, “If you don’t want to go home early, you can come to my place for dinner.”

Shawn looked up and saw that she was sincere.  He nodded gratefully, “Yeah, maybe I will.”  He stacked the box on top of another, already on the dolly, and rolled them both next door to shipping.

__________________

 

Shawn was surprised to see that Star lived in a house, not an apartment.  It wasn’t the best neighborhood, not being that far at all from the warehouse district where they worked. It was a small grid of streets lined with identical brick duplexes that seemed to be dumped in the middle of miles of warehouses. Most yards were overgrown, the weeds overtaking rusty tricycles, cinder blocks, and in one case, a claw-footed bathtub with a plastic Jesus figurine peeking out from the weeds. A few of the houses were boarded up. But there were a handful, and Star’s was one of them, where the lawn was carefully trimmed, shrubbery lining a stone path leading to the front door, which was set on a small porch with a bright blue porch swing. 

Star nudged the swing in an embarrassed way, “I always wanted a house with a porch swing,” she laughed ruefully.  “I bought this house off foreclosure, at a police auction.  I think it was a crack house or something. And the first thing I did was put this in.” 

“It’s nice,” Shawn commented simply. 

Star unlocked the door and held it open for Shawn, “Come on in.”

He walked in, Star right behind him. 

“Mom!” came an excited voice from upstairs.  Shawn saw an adorable boy, dark brown hair, wide blue eyes, come running down. 

Star gave the kid a hug.  “Tyler, this is mom’s friend from work, Mr. Hunter. Shawn, this is my son, Tyler.”

“Hey Tyler,” Shawn said in a friendly tone. 

“Hi,” Tyler said shyly. 

“Where’s Christina?” Star asked. 

“Upstairs.  She was helping me with my homework.”  He rolled his eyes.  “I told her I don’t need any help, but she wanted.  So.”  Tyler shrugged. 

Star explained to Shawn that Christina is the girl who rents a room. She helps to take care of Tyler for a discount on her rent. After Tyler ran back upstairs, Star turned to Shawn and, in a moment of blunt honesty, “I’ve been thinking about introducing you to Christina for a while now anyway. I think you’d really like her.”

“Eh,” Shawn hesitated, finally allowing himself a moment to think of last night.   _Fucking faggot_  rolled through his mind again, so he quickly said. “Yeah, OK.”   _What the fuck am I doing?_

“Really?” Star brightened. Shawn sometimes wondered if Star was interested in him, though she always insisted that she was through with guys until Tyler was older. 

At that moment, Christina came running down the stairs.  “Tyler has to make a model solar system for school!” She sounded excited when said it.  “I loved the planets unit in elementary school, and I asked if I could help him build it.”  

 Star introduced them, “Christina, this is my friend from work, Shawn. Shawn, this is Christina, my roommate.”

 Shawn patted his hair down again before sticking his hand out.  “Nice to meet you.”

“You too.” Christina answered.  There was no doubt, she was a very beautiful girl.  Her skin tone, just a shade or two lighter than Angela’s, made Shawn think she might be bi-racial, but her hair was smoother than Angela’s bouncy curls.  Christina had deep set chocolate eyes and a mouth that curved into a wide smile, showing a hint of gumline at the top.  He features were striking and Shawn found himself wondering if she was a model, though she wasn’t terribly tall.  Shawn felt dreary next to Christina, being in yesterday’s clothes and hair sticking up from being washed with bar soap.

The three of them sat on the couch and chatted, while Tyler, who evidently was sick of the solar system, came down and began playing a video game. 

“Want to play?” he asked Shawn. 

“I’m not much of a player,” Shawn admitted. 

Star laughed, “I’ll play with you Ty.”  She gave Shawn a look, indicating he should probably use this time to get to know Christina. 

“He’s a cute kid,” Shawn said to Christina. 

“Star got real lucky with him,” Christina said.   “He’s a good kid, nice and does well in school.” 

“Good for her.”

“How do you like working with Star?”  Christina inquired, taking a sip of the lemonade Star brought for them. 

“It’s good. It’s a good job. Good money, you know.”  Shawn couldn’t believe his poet brain couldn’t think of a better word than  _good_.  “Where do you work?”

“I wait tables,” Christina answered.  She began blushing.  “Don’t judge me, but I work at Hooters.” 

“I don’t judge you,” Shawn assured her.  “The tips are probably better there.”

“Yes!” Christina said.  “That’s it exactly.  I’m also in nursing school, which is expensive.  So I have class in the mornings, get Tyler from school in the afternoons and watch him until it’s time for me to go to work.” Christina checked her watch.  “Which I have to leave for in an hour.  Want to help me make some dinner?”

“Sure,” Shawn followed Christina into the kitchen, leaving Star and Tyler duking it out on a boxing video game.  “What’re we making?”

“Leftovers.”  Christina looked at him apologetically.  “I hope that’s OK.”

“Leftover what?”

Christina pulled some containers out of the fridge.  “Peas. Mashed potatoes. Meat loaf.”

“Actually, that sounds perfect.”  Shawn and Eric’s kitchen experiments didn’t always go so well, and Shawn kind of longed for the all-American taste of meatloaf.  Shawn dumped the peas into a sauce pan and turned on the flame, while Christina wrapped the meatloaf in foil and stuck it into the oven to warm. 

“Star doesn’t believe in microwaves,” she explained.  “She thinks it makes food toxic.” Christina laughed.  “She has some funny ideas like that.”

“Nah,” Shawn insisted.  “She just wants what’s best for Tyler, right?” 

The conversation was easy and drifted around how they know Star, the neighborhood, how Shawn likes living in New York, Christina’s nursing classes, and even a little bit to Shawn’s writing. 

“Have you submitted anything for publication?” Christina asked. 

“No. I haven’t written anything that’s good enough.” 

“You should.”

Shawn laughed, “Well, I’m trying. You know, to write something good enough.”  He scooped peas and mashed potatoes out on plates, while Christina cut the meat loaf into slices. 

“You’ll do it someday.”  She assured him. And even though Shawn knew that she couldn’t possibly know that, it still made him happy to hear. It made him happy that there are still people out there who care enough to give encouragement to someone they’ve known for all of an hour.  He realized that she’ll probably make a great nurse.

Dinner was good, though Christina had to rush in order to get out the door and catch the bus.  After ward, Star sent Tyler upstairs to work on homework, while she and Shawn sat on the couch. 

“Christina really liked you,” she told him. 

“Yeah?  I liked her too.”  It wasn’t a lie, really. Shawn  _did_  like her.  The fact that he wasn’t interested in her in the way that Star meant was a whole different story. 

“Here’s her cell number,” Star said, leaning over Shawn and grabbing pen and piece of paper. She handed it to him, with a knowing look. “She’s kind of shy, but she wasn’t with you. I think that’s a good sign.”

Shawn tucked the paper into his pocket and stood up.  “I have to go,” he said.  “I should maybe try to work this shit out with my roommate.”

“Yeah,” Star agreed and stood up and gave Shawn a hug.  “Let me know how that works out.”

“See you Monday,” Shawn said with a wave of his hand.  He walked to the corner, the nearest bus stop and took out Christina’s number. He pulled his cell out of his other pocket and dialed. 

“Christina? It’s Shawn.”

“Hey!  I’m on the bus, not even at work yet.”

“Which Hooters do you work at?”

“Why?”

“I want to come see you at work,” Shawn said. 

Christina laughed.  “OK.”  She gave him directions, which Shawn worked on memorizing as the bus pulled up.  

He definitely didn’t want to go home tonight. 


	5. In Which Shawn writes his feelings

“You don’t live here, do you?” Christina asked in a concerned voice.

“No. I’m just staying here for now. There was some...weirdness...with my roommate a couple nights ago. I’ll try to work it out tomorrow.

Shawn had spent most of the evening watching Christina work. He sat at the bar at Hooters, snacking on wings that Christina would bring him, talking to her in snippets and trying to work on a poem and short story simultaneously. It got to be a bit much, being at a bar at Hooters, so he wandered the neighborhood a little, bought a toothbrush and toothpaste at a market, before finding a little book store with a café and spent a couple hours writing and drinking far too much coffee. 

When Christina had gotten off work, Shawn asked what she wanted to do. They walked around the neighborhood, and finally Shawn asked if she wanted to come back to his place before realizing he didn’t actually _have_ a place to take her back to. Not knowing what to do, Shawn brought her back to the same hotel he’d stayed at the night before and got another room for the night. 

“What kind of weirdness?”

“It’s nothing. It’s complicated.”  Shawn said awkwardly. 

“Oh.”  Christina looked around, clearly nervous about being brought to a seedy hotel with a guy she’d only met that day.

“Look, I know it’s not ideal. And if you’re creeped out, I don't blame you, and we can go somewhere else. Somewhere public.”

She seemed relieved that he brought up the creep factor, because she shook her head, “No, it’s fine.”

“Want to watch some TV?” Shawn offered. 

“No, let’s talk.”  Christina sat on the bed kicking off her shoes. 

Shawn sat next to her.  “How was work?” He asked, just for something to say. 

“Work. Blah. It was nice having you there though. I think people thought you were my boyfriend or something.” 

Shawn chuckled softly. Christina reached over and took his hand.  “This OK?” she asked. 

“Yeah, it’s fine. It’s good.” Shawn slowly ran his fingers over hers, squeezing her hand a little bit. He knew she expected a kiss, and he didn’t want to disappoint. He leaned in and touched his lips softly to hers.

She returned the kiss, and Shawn had to admit, she wasn’t a  _bad_  kisser. She just wasn’t the right kisser for him. 

Over the years, Shawn had grown accustomed to kissing girls (and lots of them) and while his eyes were closed picturing Cory’s face, pretending it was Cory that he was kissing.

This didn’t happen this time.

When he closed his eyes, he saw Eric. In his mind, he wasn’t kissing Christina, he was kissing Eric. 

It was such a shock to him, that he pulled back and out of the kiss for a moment. Christina looked at him, studying him intently with her dark brown eyes. Shawn smiled and leaned in again, continuing to kiss. 

It was bad, this thing with Eric. Shawn knew it, but was powerless to stop his imagination. Shawn had been kissed by a lot of girls in his lifetime, but he’d never had a kiss leave him feeling the way last night’s kiss with Eric had.  

Eric was an _amazing_  kisser. So good that Shawn could scarcely believe any kiss he'd had before that had even been real. The way Eric had subtly swiped his tongue at Shawn’s lower lip, had nearly made Shawn hard.  If Shawn had ever doubted the fact that he was gay, which he’d never really  _doubted_ so much as avoided thinking about, kissing a guy for the first time made him face the truth.

Kissing Christina, even with her being a good kisser, just didn’t feel  _right_  to him. But Shawn isn’t anything if not stubborn, and he decided to staunchly continue fighting facing the fact that he’s gay. 

So he continued to kiss Christina, laying down next to her on the bed. (Shawn did, in a moment of queasiness over the state of the hotel room pull down the comforter and say a quick prayer that the sheets were at least clean.)

Christina slipped her hand up Shawn’s shirt and began stroking him lightly on the chest. In his mind, that was Eric’s hand he was feeling on his chest. She began tugging Shawn’s shirt up at the hem, leading him to imagine it was Eric undressing him. 

Shawn knew he had to respond to Christina’s affections, but the truth is that it would be difficult to imagine her chest as Eric’s. Still, he gamely slipped his hand up her shirt and cupped a breast, massaging lightly.  Maybe if he could just get her shirt off, he wouldn’t have to touch her so much there. He pulled at her shirt, and she took the hint, pulling her shirt off and removing her bra expertly. 

They continued kissing and caressing, Shawn even lowering his mouth to kiss her breasts at one point. Christina began rubbing Shawn between his legs, over his jeans. That was when Shawn knew that he had to stop it. He  _knew_  he wasn’t going to be able to get hard with her. 

He knew he didn’t even want to. 

So he pulled back. “Maybe we should slow down a bit.”

“Yeah?” she asked, seemingly surprised that any guy would say that. 

“I mean, we just met.”

“You’re probably right.” She bit the inside of her cheek and glanced around.  “You’re a really good kisser.”

“Thanks,” Shawn said, unsure if that was the right response to that statement.  “You are too.”

“Should I go?” Christina asked. 

“No. I want you to stay. I just don’t think we should....” Shawn drifted off, clearly indicating that she should fill in the blanks. 

She kissed him lightly on the lips. “You’re a true gentleman, Shawn Hunter.” 

Shawn laughed ruefully. He wasn’t, and he knew he wasn’t. If Christina knew what was going through his mind while they were making out, that he was making out with her as a way to avoid thinking about who he really loved and who he really was, she’d know that he’s not a gentleman. Not by a long shot. 

They spent the night cuddling in bed, watching television and talking. Christina was great. She read all the same comic books he and Cory read in adolescence, only she kept reading them long after he and Cory had given them up. She kept Shawn updated on exactly what was going on in the X-Men universe. They were getting along so well, that at times Shawn was truly cursing the fact that he’s gay. He knew that he and Christina would make a great couple. If only.

It was after two a.m. when Christina drifted off to sleep. Shawn was wide awake, unable to stop thinking. For the first time since he kissed Eric, Shawn really let himself lay awake and think things through. 

When he still couldn’t sleep, he got up and sat at the desk. He turned on the small desk lamp, looking guiltily over at Christina to make sure he didn’t wake her.  He opened the drawer and found a pad of paper and a pen. 

And he began to write.

It wasn’t a poem and it wasn’t a short story.  For the first time in his life, Shawn was opening himself up in the first person on paper. He’d always written poems and short stories because he couldn’t stand to be so introspective about himself, couldn’t stand to think about who he really was. But now he was thinking about it, and it was so clear. He knew what he had to do and he had to start by apologizing to the very kind beautiful girl in his bed. 

This was so stupid, having to write like this. Shawn had a best friend. Cory knew everything about him except for this one little thing. And this one little thing was the only thing he felt like he couldn’t talk to Cory about, but it was the only thing he felt like he needed his best friend for. There was always Topanga, but somehow Shawn had never felt like he could open up to Topanga, mostly because she had the insane desire to just  _fix_  everything. Cory understood Shawn on a deeper level and knew that Shawn needed to work things out for himself and wouldn’t take much more than a gentle nudging in the right direction. 

So Shawn sat there writing frantically, taking up nearly the entire pad of paper. Starting with when he realized what his feelings for Cory were (when they’d written the _Chick Like Me_ article). He continued writing, finally admitting to himself that there was reason Angela broke up with him, that his frantic late night masturbation sessions had always been about Cory, that living with Eric had somehow made him switch from loving Cory in  _that_  way to loving Cory in a brotherly way.  And quite possibly doing the opposite to his feelings for Eric. 

_What I’ve never been able to admit, is something I can no longer deny._  Shawn wrote as the sun started to creep over the horizon and fill the room with a faint light. _I’m gay. I’ve been gay my whole life. And I don’t think I can pretend I’m not anymore. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay._ He wrote fast. Adding one more  _I’m gay_  every time there was doubt in his mind. It didn’t take long and after reading back over his scribbled notes, Shawn decided to admit what he had been trying to avoid admitting since he was fourteen. He wrote one last line.  _I. AM. GAY._

Needless to say, he didn’t sleep at all that night. A little after six, he went to a bakery and bought some bagels. Around eight o’clock, Christina stirred and reached over for Shawn, finally opening her eyes when she didn’t feel him there. 

“How long have you been awake?” she mumbled. 

“I didn’t sleep at all last night,” Shawn admitted. “Bagel?” He held the box out to her. She crept out of the bed, stretched and grabbed a bagel. 

She looked down at the pad of paper. “Working on a best-seller?”

“Nah,” Shawn laughed. This was going to be awkward. “Just some thoughts.”

“Care to share?” Christina asked, sitting on the edge of the bed, taking a bite of a cinnamon bagel. 

“Actually, I do. I have to apologize to you.”

“What for? You were a perfect gentleman last night.”

“Christina.” Shawn broke off and took a deep breath. “I’m gay.”  Shawn cringed when he said it. For some reason, it’d come out sounding like a question.

“You’re gay like you want to have sex with guys? Or you’re just saying you’re gay because you just don’t want to see me again.”

“The first one,” Shawn nodded. He looked down at what he wrote and finally told her the story of writing the poem in the trailer park, and Johnny calling him a fucking faggot. 

“And I was so in love with Cory, who’s my best friend and who has been since we were, like, babies.  And I’ve spent my whole life avoiding thinking about it, but not that well because I knew all I wanted was for Cory to break up with his girlfriend and eventually his wife so I could move in. But he didn’t so I slept around, like a  _lot,_ and with girlsto try and make myself feel better for not being able to have him. ”

“I take it he’s not gay.”

“No, he’s not. So my roommate now is his brother. And this weirdness that I’ve been trying to escape is the fact that we kind of made out a little the other night.”

“Is he gay?”

“Bi. Which I just found out. And he told me that he’s known all along that I’m gay an that I’m in love with his brother.  And I don’t know why, but I kissed him and he kissed me back.”

“But you still love his brother,” Christina said like she was stating fact.

“That’s just it. I don’t know that I do. I think now that maybe I didn’t really love Cory. That I kind of wanted to  _be_  Cory with his perfect family and being straight. Now that I’m living with Eric, I sort of.....realize the difference between what I feel for the two.”

“So you love Eric now?”

“Love is such a strong word.” 

“You want to sleep with him.”

“Yes.”

“You want to hang out with him.”

“All the time.”

“He makes you smile and feel good about yourself.”

Shawn smiled a little, “Yeah.”  Then he shook himself a little.  “But that’s why I need to apologize.”  He noticed the blank look on her face. “To you.”

“To me?”

“I’ve kind of been living my life denying who I was. Not really denying it, maybe just refusing to think about it. And in that time, I’ve slept with a lot of girls. And I made out with you last night. Like, I was using you or something.”

“I hadn’t really thought of it like that.”

“You hadn’t?”

“No.” Christina seemed surprised. “I mean, I guess I can see your point. That maybe I should feel used.  But I don’t. Maybe if we’d started dating or if we’d actually slept together. But we didn’t. And I feel a little bad for you. You’ve obviously been so confused your whole life.”

“I just-” Shawn broke off.

“What?”

“I just didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect you to be  _nice_  about this.”

“What’d you expect?”

“I don’t know. A screaming match."

Christina looked at him like he was crazy. “What’s there to scream about?”

“Well. I lied to you.” Shawn ticked off the points on his fingers. “I totally used you. I pretty much knew I was doing it,-”

“Stop.” Christina held up her hands.  “Shawn. Go. Work this thing out with Eric.”

“I have no idea what to say to him,” Shawn admitted. 

Christina sat cross-legged on the bed and nibbled on her bagel a little more.  “Well, you could just try being honest with him. Tell him what you told me.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Why not?”

“Because if I fuck things up then I don’t have a place to live.”

“So don't fuck things up then," Christina said like it was obvious. Shawn gave her a look indicating she was not being helpful, so she smiled and added, "But haven’t you already kissed him? You guys kind of need to work that out anyway, so you might as well be honest with him.”

Shawn tried, but couldn’t think of a good comeback. Finally he murmured, “You’re probably right.”

Christina smiled and stood up. She began gathering her things. “Go talk to him.  Let me know how it turns out, all right?”

Shawn stood up to walk her to the door. “Don’t say anything to Star, all right?”

“Shawn,” Christina explained patiently. “Your secret’s safe with me.  But don’t keep her in the dark, OK?  I know for a fact that she considers you a really good friend. And Star’s vulnerable in a weird way.  She doesn’t let people get close to her.”

Shawn kissed Christina on the cheek as she left.  Then he sat at the desk, staring at the notes he’d written the night before.  He closed his eyes briefly, took a deep breath, and tried to ignore the dozen vomiting butterflies in his stomach. 


	6. In Which the idiots finally talk

“Shawn!” Eric said, with a note of _something_  (was it relief?) in his voice.  

Shawn shut the door behind him carefully and stood with his back to it.  “Hey,” he said, suddenly unsure of himself. Suddenly unable to think of the encouraging words Christina had spoken to him.  He tried to gather himself and he walked into the apartment forcefully. 

He didn’t say anything to Eric for a moment as he gathered clean underwear and clothes from his dresser. Finally he said, “Look. I know we need to talk. But I really need a shower and clean clothes first.”

“Yeah, OK.”  Shawn was relieved to see that Eric looked at least as unsure and nervous as he felt himself. It was disconcerting seeing Eric, always the picture of self-confidence, like that.

Shawn set the water as hot as he could stand it, and spent far too much time staring at the shower wall. He was relieved to use his conditioning shampoo, and a real bar of soap. Finally he got out and stood in the bathtub, drying himself off with one of the yellow bath towels. He was moving slowly and methodically, both over-thinking about what he and Eric had to talk about and trying not to think about it.  

Maybe it was stupid to have brought his clothes in here, but changing in front of Eric?  Not something he was ready to do yet. His stomach was jumping nervously as he pulled on an old white t-shirt, a pair of boxers and sweatpants that had to have had since he was fifteen. They were holey in the knees and had paint splatters on them. Shawn had purposely chosen the least sexy clothes he had, for reasons completely unknown to himself. He brushed his teeth and even considered flossing and rinsing just to put off the inevitable, but decided he’d better just go for it.

Finally with a deep breath, he walked out into the living room. Eric was staring blank-eyed at the television, which was tuned with the volume off to CNN. Shawn sat gingerly on the couch, at the opposite end from Eric. 

“I was worried,” Eric said.  “I almost called Cory and Topanga to find out if you were there, but I didn’t want to worry them in case you weren’t.”

“Sorry,” Shawn mumbled.

“Just. God, Shawn. We can forget about what happened, if that’ll make you feel better. We’ve been having a good time the last month, right?  We don’t need to, whatever.  We don’t need to change anything.”

Neither one said anything for a moment, and finally Shawn spoke up, completely changing the topic.  “When I was fifteen, I was writing this poem. I’d just started writing poetry at that point.”  Shawn glanced at Eric, who was looking at him intently. “I was sitting outside my dad’s trailer. He wasn’t even there, I think I was living with Turner at the time. But anyway, I found something to write about and so I’m sitting on this lawn chair that’s about a hundred years old and rusty and trying to write crappy teenage poetry about an orange sunset when my neighbor, Johnny, came by.”

“Johnny the one who got busted stealing car stereos?”

“That’s him. But this was before he went to jail.” Shawn cleared his throat.  “Anyway, Johnny took my notebook from me. It was my first ever notebook of my writing. And he teased me about writing poetry, which I guess is an effeminate thing to do.  And he told me any guy who writes poetry is a fucking faggot.”

Shawn didn’t say anything, waiting for some kind of response from Eric.  Shock or outrage, just  _something._   But it never came.

Instead, Eric calmly said.  “What’d you do?”

“I ran to your house.”

“What’d Cory say?”

“I never told him.”

“Ah,” Eric said nodding his head.  “Is that when you realized that you’re gay?”

Shawn bristled a little, not liking the sound of the label being applied to him, despite the fact that he’d just told Christina he is.  “No.  I realized that when Cory and I did  _Chick Like Me_. Well, maybe in a way I always knew it, but that’s kind of when I realized it.  I just know that Johnny’s words scared the shit out of me. And every time I’d sleep with another girl, or convince a girl to go down on me, those words were in my head.  And it’s like I was saying to him, to this guy I don’t even  _care_  about ‘who’s the faggot now?’  But then Cory would put his arm around me, or hug me because that’s what Cory does, I’d hear those words in my head and I’d know that Johnny was right.”

“So you let those two little words dictate your life?”

“I guess,” Shawn hadn’t really thought of it like that.

“You know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think you being called a fucking faggot had nothing to do with pretending you’re straight when you’re gay.  I think you convinced yourself that you’re so in love with Cory, and you know Cory couldn’t reciprocate those feelings, so you ran from it so you wouldn’t have to tell Cory.”  Eric stood up, pacing now, obviously having just had a brainstorm.  “Yeah. I think that you’re terrified of rejection, which is why you chose to sleep with the girls you did, because they weren’t girls who’d expect to be treated nice. These girls expected guys to sleep with them and not call in the morning. Then you tried to treat Angela like that, but you were in for a shock weren’t you? Because she wouldn’t put up with that and you actually  _liked_  her as a person.  And that’s why you opened up to Angela eventually, isn’t it? Because you couldn’t fuck her and be done with her.”

“Wait,” Shawn said standing up. “That’s not fair.” As he was saying it, he wasn’t exactly sure what was unfair about what Eric had said. Because, as usual, Eric’s assessment of the situation hit a little too close to home. “This thing Johnny said.  It...I don’t know. Maybe he was right, a little bit. Boys from the trailer park  _don’t_  grow up to write poetry and kiss boys.”

Eric rolled his eyes, “No there are only two possible routes for boys from the trailer park, right? Land in jail for stealing car stereos or go around catching the clap from dirty girls because you have to fuck them in order to feel straight. Because God forbid anyone from the trailer park make something of himself.” 

Shawn was feeling a little cornered, so he changed the subject.  “OK, well what about you then?  Why don’t your parents or Cory know that you’re bi?  Why’d you keep it from them?”

“It’s simple in my case.  I was only fifteen, sixteen when I was with Jason.  We  _had_ to keep our activities secret if we wanted to be able to continue them. Then he moved and we broke up and I've only dated girls since then.”

“So why’d you tell Feeny?” Shawn challenged him.

“Feeny’s my mentor.  He knows everything about me.” Eric turned his head away slightly.

“No way.” Shawn said shaking his head.  “That’s too bizarre. I know you think Feeny’s your mentor or whatever, but he’s just a guy who was our teacher. Why’d you tell him?”

“I didn’t really tell him,” Eric admitted after a few moments silent.  A blush was starting to rise in his face and Shawn hated himself a little bit for finding that attractive.  “No one was home one day. This was just a few days before Jason moved away. So Jason and I were not being as careful as we should have been. And I didn’t know Feeny had a key to our parents’ house, and that his phone wasn’t working so Mom and Dad told him to come over and use our phone if he needed to. And he walked in, right into the living room and Jason and I were...”  Eric drifted off.

“Ah,” Shawn said nodding his head.  He wondered  _exactly_  what Eric and Jason were doing, but decided not to ask. “God.” 

“Yeah, it was pretty embarrassing. But anyway, Feeny was surprisingly cool about it. He agreed not to tell Mom and Dad. And the next year I started dating, oh god, I barely remember her name now. Felicia something.  And Feeny pulled me aside, asked if I was gay because if I was, I shouldn’t be ‘using’ Felicia. So I admitted that I like both girls and guys. I didn’t even really know what that was called, I just knew it was an unusual thing to be. Feeny’s the one who told me that’s called bisexual.”

“And he never told your parents?”

“Nope.” Eric shook his head. “I’ve only dated girls since then, and we never talked about it. He probably thinks it was a phase I outgrew.”

“Why did you never date another guy after Jason?”

Eric shrugged.  “It never came up.”  Both were silent for a moment.  “When did you tell Angela?”

Shawn laughed. A short loud laugh.  “I never told her, she figured it out.”

“She must be as observant as me.”

“No,” Shawn said.  “I think I made it pretty obvious when I called out Cory’s name in the middle of sex.”

“Ah,” Eric said, starting to laugh slightly, “God. That’s why you broke up in college. That’s what the big secret was behind your break up.”

“Mmm-hmm. And Cory trying so hard to get us back together just made everything really uncomfortable. But you know, we had the same group of friends. Cory, Topanga, you, Jack and Rachel. And we  _had_  to at least be on speaking terms. So I told her that I loved her, but I couldn’t ever really be in love with her because of who I am.”

“How’d that work out?”

“Eh.  Not so great at first. She was really hurt, and I get that. But she kind of came around and sort of got off on being the only one who knew this secret about me.”

“Girls, huh?” Eric said, shaking his head. “They like nothing better than to know other people’s secrets.”

Shawn smiled wanly.  This conversation was interesting, but it wasn’t really resolving anything.  Neither one had brought up their kiss from a couple nights ago. Suddenly a realization struck Shawn.

“Oh my God,” he breathed, looking at Eric. 

“What?” Eric asked, wide-eyed. 

Shawn felt like he was having a moment, an Eric-like moment where he could read something in someone.  “Jack.” Shawn said.

“What about him?” Eric’s face remained passive.  

“That whole thing - you and Jack and that stupid competition for Rachel’s affections. That wasn’t just about getting Rachel was it? That was about having a thing with Jack.” Shawn scratched the back of his neck, he was the one on a roll now. “I may have been fantasizing about your brother, and this whole time you’ve been fantasizing about mine?”

Eric looked at Shawn, stunned. 

“Ha!  I’m right, aren’t I?”

“Sort of.”  Eric admitted.

“Sort of?”

“Yeah, I mean I was definitely in to Rachel. But Jack is just so....God. You Hunters are ridiculously good-looking, right?  So I kind of liked looking at him. But you know. At the end of the day, I sort of loved him more like a friend. I don’t allow myself to fall for someone who can’t love me back.”

“I don’t have that type of control.”

“Neither do I,” Eric admitted. 

“I thought you just said-”

“It’s you, idiot.” The blush rose in Eric’s face again.  “The second I realized that you definitely loved Cory, I couldn’t help myself but fall for you. And I know I’m not Cory and you can’t love me back. And that’s why I don’t have as much control as you think I do.”

“Eric, I-“ Shawn cut himself off.  “I fuck up every relationship I’ve ever tried.”

“Maybe that’s just because they’ve been the wrong ones.”

“Yeah, but we’re roommates. OK? We’re each other’s best friend’s brother, if that even makes any sense. We have this history. And we shouldn’t just.....”  Shawn was at a loss for a moment.  “We could really fuck everything up.”

“You still love Cory?” Eric asked.  

The question surprised Shawn, though it probably shouldn't have. He shrugged. “I don’t know who I feel what for anymore, Eric.  God, we kissed the other night and it felt so-“

“So...? Eric asked after Shawn didn’t say anything.  

Shawn didn’t answer. His heart felt like it skipped a hundred beats, then started slamming so hard, as if to make up for those hundred beats. And he knew that this could be a mistake, but he didn’t care because all those girls he slept with before were definitely mistakes.  And for once in his life, Shawn wanted a kiss the way  _he_  wanted it. And for one moment, he didn’t want to think about consequences or roommates or brothers or best friends.  All he felt were his lips, burning and pulsating.

So he leaned in and kissed Eric again.  If anything, it was better this time.  Because the _intent_ was there. The last kiss had been something quick, something urgent done without planning. But both Eric and Shawn had just had two days to think about things, to mull things over, and their conclusion - that they each  _wanted_  the other, was expressed in that kiss. 

They collapsed on the couch, still kissing and Shawn pulled Eric on top of him. Eric slipped his hand up Shawn’s shirt and began petting, running his thumbnail over Shawn’s nipple. Shawn gasped, a move like that went straight to his dick. He pushed Eric off him. 

“What?” Eric asked, out of breath, trying his hardest not to sound disappointed.

“Slow,” Shawn found himself saying.  “I want to do this right.  I want to take this slow.”

If Eric was disappointed, he didn’t let it show. Instead he nodded his agreement.  “We can take it slow.”

“Sorry,” Shawn said adjusting his legs, hoping for whatever reason, that Eric hadn’t noticed how turned on he’d become. 

Eric stood up.  “Want lunch?”

“God, yes.” Shawn followed Eric into the kitchen and watched with shock as Eric pulled a pie out of the refrigerator.

“I cooked last night while you were gone.  This is a chicken pot pie, but I didn’t have the stomach to eat it.”

“You made a chicken pot pie?” Shawn nearly started salivating. "Like, from scratch?"

“Mm-hmm. It took me most of the night too. Let’s heat it up.”

Shawn watched as Eric turned on the oven and stuck the pie in the oven. The scene suddenly seemed so warm and domestic and tranquil, he couldn’t help himself and when Eric stood up, Shawn gave him a quick kiss on the lips.  “Thanks,” he whispered.

“For what?  The pie?”

“Well that too. Thanks for not freaking out that I ran away the other night. Thanks for being okay with taking it slow.”

Eric ran his fingers through Shawn’s hair and kissed him lightly on the lips.  “Don’t run away again, please.”

Shawn answered by kissing him deeply, to avoid the question of whether he’d ever run away again, because things don’t always go well for Shawn Hunter, and if there was one thing he’d learned from his parents, it was how to run away. 

As they sat down for lunch, Shawn asked a question that had been on his mind.  “What, exactly, did Feeny walk in on you and Jason doing?”

Eric laughed.  “Really? You want to know that?”

“Yeah, I mean, I’m curious.”

“Well that particular day, when he walked in, we were jerking each other off.”

“Is that all that you ever did with him?”

“Why? Are you worried about your level of experience?”

Shawn nodded, blushing too hard to say anything.

“No. That’s not all we ever did. Jason was the first person I ever went down on, the first who ever went down on me.”

“Did you have sex with him?”

“Yes.  Does that bother you?”

Shawn shrugged. “For all my thinking about it, I’ve never even kissed a guy.”

Eric stood up to grab some napkins from the counter and he placed a kiss on the top of Shawn’s head.  “So far, you’ve done exceptionally well.”

“What about the gay bar?” Shawn asked trying to not convey too much of the queasiness he was feeling over his lack of experience. 

“Oh god.  That was just a....that was just a stupid mistake,” Eric waved the thought away.

“I want to know,” Shawn said quietly.

“This is embarrassing. All right. Jack had just moved in to the apartment with me. And I was sort of in to him and trying hard not to be. And it’d been a while since I felt this way about a guy, right?  So I thought that maybe I’m just gay now, so I went by myself to a gay bar one night.”

“And?”

“And it’s totally not my scene, dude.  It’s loud and there’s  _dancing_  - a lot of dancing.  And I don’t want to dance.  And these guys were kind of, I don’t know....gayer than the guys I’d fall for.  But I still kind of hooked up with one guy, in the back of his car.”

“What’d you do?”

“We just went down on each other.  But it was just-“ Eric broke off and wrinkled his nose.  “I was stupid and drunk and I don’t like hooking up with strangers. It makes me feel bad. So I gave him a fake name and number, which made me feel even worse the next day.”

“Oh,” Shawn said, relieved. That wasn’t as bad as he’d thought it was. 

“Shawn,” Eric said and took a moment to think.  “It’s fine that you want to know all this. But I don’t care that you’re less experienced or whatever than I am. I’m not going to ask how many girls you’ve slept with.”

“Seven.” Shawn said automatically.  “I’ve slept with seven.  But I don’t even know how many others went down on me.  Maybe like five more beyond that.”

“That’s an impressive number, babe.” Eric said drily.

“It’s not,” Shawn said.  “It’s an embarrassment.”  Shawn took a large bite of pot pie. “Let’s just drop the subject.”  He looked around, for something else to focus on. “Tell me how you made the pot pie.”

______

 

That night, Eric and Shawn went to a movie and held hands in the darkened theater. They did not hold hands on the walk there or when leaving the theater. 

When they got in, Shawn brushed his teeth, washed his face, waited for Eric to do the same and kissed him goodnight. 

“Night,” he said giving Eric a hug.

“Sleep with me,” Eric said.

“What?”  Shawn was panicked. What about his resolve to take it slow? He knew if Eric pushed it, he’d agree to going further than he was ready for. 

“We’ll just sleep.  We don’t have to do anything.  Just - share my bed with me.

And suddenly, Shawn wanted that so badly. To share a bed with someone. To cuddle in and feel warm and safe at night and to wake up next to someone. So he agreed. 

And that’s how they fell asleep, Eric protectively spooning Shawn, in a chaste, fully-clothed sort of way.  Shawn fell almost instantly into a deep dreamless sleep. 


	7. In Which they settle in

When Shawn woke up the next morning, he momentarily forgot where he was. He looked around and saw Eric next to him, still asleep and snoring very faintly. 

Waking up next to Eric was....well it was different. Shawn could scarcely believe it was happening. He took the minutes before Eric woke up to reflect. 

This whole thing with him and Eric could still be a bad idea. There was still time to back out of it with very little consequence. If he and Eric continued down this path toward...whatever it was they were heading for, a relationship? If they stayed on this path, he could potentially screw up his living situation, he could lose Eric as a roommate and friend if things went bad. He could lose Cory as his best friend whether or not this thing with Eric works out. As it is, Shawn recognized this wasn’t going to be a secret he could keep from Cory forever. He’d already lost his real parents, he could lose the Matthews as his surrogates. He could lose Topanga as another of his best friends, someone he loved like an overbearing sister. Eric, Cory, and Topanga were, in truth, his best friends. But they’d always been more than that, they were the anchors that kept him from losing himself in a sea of neglectful parenting by Chet and questionable influences in the trailer park. If he fucked this thing up with Eric, which he was sure would probably happen, Shawn realized he would be adrift with no one to anchor himself to. 

And yet. He didn’t feel compelled in any way to stop this thing. There was something that Shawn, for all his skill at finding the right words, couldn’t put in to words. Waking up next to Eric just felt  _right_. Kissing Eric just felt  _right._  He’d never kissed a girl and had it feel so comfortable. It was stupid and unreasonable and illogical, but he wasn’t going to stop this thing with Eric, despite the myriad logical reasons for doing so, because of an emotional response he got from Eric’s kisses.   

This scared the hell out of Shawn, who had tried so hard, all too often unsuccessfully, to be logical and reasonable when he’d learned that emotions and histrionics would get him nowhere in life. Shawn lay there, trying to convince himself to talk to Eric, tell him it was a bad idea and that they should just take a step back. But he couldn’t do it. He wasn’t convinced himself. Waking up feeling warm and safe was enough of a reason to not mention any of this to Eric.

Eric shifted slightly and opened his eyes a fraction of an inch. He smiled in a sleepy sort of way to see Shawn already awake.  “Morning,” he said with a yawn and a big stretch. 

“Morning,” Shawn answered, then laughed as Eric’s stomach growled.  “Breakfast?”

“You want to make me breakfast?” Eric asked.

“Well, if putting Pop Tarts in the toaster counts, then yeah. I want to make you breakfast.”

“Awesome. You do the Pop-Tarts, I’ll do the coffee.”  Eric leaned up and gave a Shawn a quick kiss on the lips before getting out of bed. 

Even a quick peck like that made Shawn’s heart melt, and left him forgetting any qualms or serious reflection he’d had before Eric woke up. 

Shawn needed to find something for him and Eric to do. Neither had plans, and Shawn was terrified of finding himself alone in the apartment with Eric with nothing to do. This is how things could escalate further than he was comfortable. But what?  Payday was this week for both of them, so going out to dinner or to a movie was out. Cory and Topanga had finals in a little over a week, so asking them to come over was out. 

“You know what we haven’t done?” Eric asked.

“What?”

“We’ve lived in the city for how many months now and we haven’t even been to Central Park. We should go and see what all the fuss is about.”

“Yeah, let’s do that.” Shawn stared at Eric for a few moments, wondering if Eric was feeling the same thing he was, or if Eric was just really atuned to what he was thinking.

________________

 

 “I don’t know, Shawn” Star said seriously. “Making out with your roommate?  That might not end well.”

 “I know that, Star.  I really do. But could you forget about that for a moment? Did you even hear what I said to you?”

Star rolled her eyes. “Yeah. You’re gay. You used to be in love with Cory, but maybe it wasn’t really love and now you maybe love Eric. Who you  _live_  with and who is Cory’s brother.”

“You make it sound so mundane.”

“I’ve heard worse. Anyway. You should have told me you were gay before I tried to set you and Christina up.”

“I wasn’t even telling  _myself_  I’m gay yet. I really didn’t start that until, like, two days ago. And it still sounds weird to say.”

Shawn and Star were sitting in the front office portion of the print shop.  Star was printing invoices and Shawn was slowly flipping through today’s orders. It would be another slow day. Shawn had gone into work unsure if he would say anything to Star, but the second he got there, he found himself opening up. 

It wasn’t that he had a need to shout his being gay to the world- he wasn’t even close to ready for that. It’s that he’d always had Cory to talk to, and this whole gay and in love with Cory’s brother thing had left him without Cory. Shawn needed to hear himself say things out loud sometimes to truly know what he was thinking. 

“I still think sleeping with your roommate is a bad choice, Hunter.” 

“We aren’t sleeping together.”

"Yet,” Star snorted. 

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Shawn pleaded.

Star smiled indulgently.  “You’re at least making out with him. You’re both really in to each other. Believe me, you’ll be sleeping together by this weekend.”

“No way.”  Shawn shook his head.  “I said slow and he agreed.”

“Sure. I believe you’ll be going slow the way I believe I’ll be getting laid next weekend.”  She paused, “which is to say, not at all.”

“You should try to meet a guy,” Shawn said, relieved for the change of subject. 

“You want to introduce me to someone who’d be interested?”

Shawn laughed. “In the past I would have introduced you to Eric.”

“ _God._  Now I’m losing out on guys to other guys.”

“Well, if you haven’t gotten any six months from now, my brother should be home from Africa. If he’s not with Rachel anymore, I’ll set you up.”

“Brother, eh?  Is he cute?”

“Half-brother, actually. Girls seem to like him.”

“He’s not hiding any secret gayness is he?”

Shawn laughed.  “I think Eric would have picked up on it long ago if he had.”

“Jesus, you’re cute. You can’t even say Eric’s name without getting a big dumb grin on your face.”  Shawn didn’t say anything, but tried to wipe the big dumb grin off his face, but only succeeded in producing a smirk. Star looked at him critically and continued, “Maybe we’re looking at this all wrong. Maybe it’s not a bad thing, you making out with your roommate. You’re obviously in to each other. It sounds like Eric’s a good stable guy. Maybe you should just not angst over this so much, and go with the flow.”

“Go with the flow?”

“You know.  Just be zen about it and let the chips fall where they may.”

“Any more cliches you want to throw my way?”

Star laughed.  “Sure. Just live in the moment.” They both laughed, “Sorry, you’re the writer here.  But you know what I’m saying. Instead of freaking out over whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, just enjoy it while it’s good. And if it turns bad....well to use another cliche, just cross that bridge when you come to it.”

“Just enjoy it?”

“I know it’s hard. But Shawn, believe me. Not everything is always going to turn to shit. When I got pregnant with Tyler, I should have been depressed and freaked out. But I used that moment to change where I was, and to change who I was. It seemed like such a terrible thing at the time, to be pregnant at nineteen with no boyfriend. But look where it got me. Here. I have a really good Union job, I’m only in my twenties and I own a house. I have the best kid ever. At one point when he was a baby, I just had to believe that things weren’t always going to be so shitty for me.”

“How do you do that?” Shawn wondered.

“Do what?”

“Believe that. I’ve never once believed that things are gonna go my way.”

“Well, that’s pretty depressing Shawn.”  Star gathered the invoices and took the day’s orders from Shawn’s hands.  “You’re a good guy, you deserve something nice to happen to you. Maybe this Eric thing is it, you know?”

As Shawn followed her out to the print shop, he wondered whether or not she was right, that he deserved to have good things happen to him.

 ______________________

Before Cory and Topanga came over that weekend, Shawn spent far too much time freaking out. His stomach was in knots, and every time Eric ask him what was wrong, Shawn got quiet. “Nothing,” he’d said a dozen times.  

 Eric didn’t believe him, the way Shawn would barely look at him gave his true feelings away. Eric was always at a loss on how far to push Shawn to open up.   

“How were finals?” Eric asked Cory and Topanga as they walked into the apartment. 

 “Great,” answered Topanga at the same time that Cory said, “Ugh, let’s not talk about it.”

 Everyone laughed, as Topanga slipped off her coat. “I’m gonna go stick this on your bed, Eric.”

When she got back, she joined Cory, who was sitting on the couch next to Shawn. Eric was on the floor, facing them, trying to get Shawn to make at least a little eye contact with him.   

 “I thought this was your bed, Shawn,” Topanga said, patting the couch. 

 “Well, it is.” He hesitated for a moment. “I just moved my pillows and sheets and blanket so we’d all have room to sit.”

 “It smells great in here, what’re you making?” Cory asked.

 “Chicken enchiladas,” Eric answered, looking at Shawn, not Cory. Shawn was carefully avoiding eye contact.  “They should be done soon.” He stood up, “we’ve got beer, soda, and the makings of margaritas.  Who’s in?”

 “Mmm...margarita please,” Topanga said. 

 “Beer’s fine,” Cory answered. 

 “Sure, Shawn, come help me with Topanga’s margarita.”

Shawn stood up and followed Eric into the kitchen. Eric started banging things around loudly.

“So you’re not going to look at me, talk to me all night?” 

Shawn sighed.  “You know, I just don’t want to do anything that’ll....give us away. God, the question about the bed. You know that’s cause Topanga was in the bedroom and saw two sets of pillows on the bed.”

“I get it, but don’t go the other way, act like I’ve got a catching disease.”

“Eric, I’m fine.” He reached into the fridge and took out two beers. “I’m just trying to be careful is all.” Shawn didn’t want this conversation, not now when he’d taken Star’s advice to heart and had really just become laid back about the whole thing and just enjoyed being with Eric. And much to Star’s surprise, both Eric and Shawn were, in fact, going slow. They’d barely progressed beyond kissing, and only twice with their shirts removed. Though Shawn had to admit, it was getting more and more difficult to stop themselves each night. 

The enchiladas were a hit. The four stuffed themselves, drank too much beer and margaritas. It was a celebration for Cory and Topanga getting through finals, and a celebration before heading back for Philly for Christmas the following day, when they’d be bogged down with family responsibilities. Probably not the best idea, getting too drunk the night before an early morning train ride, but it had been so long since the four of them had been together.

And it really was like old times. Cory and Shawn dominating each other’s conversation, with Topanga and Eric on the periphery. 

When they said good night to Cory and Topanga, and put them in a cab promising to see them at the train station early the next morning, Eric had his hand hidden on the small of Shawn’s back.  They latched the door behind them, turned around and began kissing. Eric was pushing Shawn, who began walking backwards slowly toward the bedroom, their lips attached the entire time. 

As they got into the bedroom, Eric pulled at the hem of Shawn’s shirt and they broke apart long enough for each of them to remove their shirts and fall into bed together. 

Shawn lay on his back as Eric climbed on top of him. Eric grabbed Shawn’s hands and held them above his head, pinning him to the bed. Eric sunk his hips into Shawn’s and it was obvious how turned on both of them had become.

All the lack of touching, the strict control they’d had all night to not give themselves away had, in a way, excited them both. So Shawn didn’t protest when Eric began undoing his jeans. When Eric grabbed his cock, already so hard, Shawn gasped, “God Eric.”

Eric moved his hand and sat back. “You need to slow down?”

“No. No. I was just saying ‘God, Eric.’”

Eric smiled, “Good,” and he leaned down, kissed Shawn and took him into his hands. 

Shawn wasn’t sure why he was surprised that Eric was so good at this.  He’d always suspected that a handjob from a guy would be better than one from a girl. Guys at least, had experience on themselves. Eric kissed Shawn deeply as he stroked in a perfect rhythm, and Shawn was marginally embarrassed to have lasted only a few minutes. 

Shawn flipped Eric onto his back and pulled at his jeans. Eric helped get his jeans off, and Shawn was only slightly nervous, taking Eric into his hands. He kissed and stroked slowly, eliciting a groan from Eric. He worked faster and harder before Eric came with a gasp and a shudder. 

After wards, they were cleaned up and cuddling when Shawn said, “I can’t believe I wasted so much time on girls.”

Eric laughed and kissed Shawn’s naked shoulder. Shawn turned and faced Eric, pressing his naked body to Eric’s unable to get enough of the feeling of being pressed against him like that. 

“This is gonna be weird the next few days,” Eric murmured into Shawn’s shoulder. “Being at my parent’s house and not sleeping together.”

“Yeah,” Shawn said.  “Sorry if I ignored you tonight. I’m more terrified than I’d like to admit of anyone finding out.”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“If someone found out?” Shawn couldn’t believe Eric was even talking like this. “I could basically get kicked out of your family, which is really the only family I have.”

“That wouldn’t happen. Everyone loves you.”

Shawn sat up. “Eric, you’re actually their son. I’m just a kid who tagged along with Cory my whole life. They  _have_  to still love you, but they don’t have to love me.”

Eric sat up next to Shawn.  “My parents totally love you!”

Shawn shook his head. It was something he’d known his whole life. Amy and Alan Matthews were fond of him, sure. But they’d never loved him like a son. “It’s different, Eric. Let’s just keep this between us for now.”

 “No, it’s fine,” Eric pulled Shawn back down next to him. “We can take all the time you need.”


	8. In Which they go home for Christmas

The train ride to Philly was terrible. Hungover and tired, they tried to sleep on the train, though only Eric was successful. The other three were bothered by the bumpy ride moving their hungover heads too much, and by the fact that a train from New York headed south was incredibly crowded in the days before Christmas. 

 “Eric, wake up,” Shawn shook Eric’s shoulder. He glanced over at Topanga and Cory, wondering if they’d suspect anything with the way Shawn was touching Eric.  _Stop_ , Shawn told himself,  _do not obsess like this for the next five days._

 Eric moved slightly and grabbed onto Shawn’s hand, interlacing their fingers. “Mmph,” he mumbled. 

 Shawn pulled his hand away quickly and glanced over again. Cory was getting his bags, but Topanga was watching, her face impassive. She leaned over Shawn and shook Eric’s shoulder herself. “Eric.  We’re here.  Wake  _up!”_

Eric jolted awake.  “Oh.  Already?” He rubbed his eyes and looked around. “That wasn’t so bad.”

 Shawn rolled his eyes, “Come on, get your bags.”

 “Cory! Guys!” They heard Alan’s voice within seconds of stepping onto the platform. 

 “Dad,” Cory sounded relieved, even happy to be home. Alan hugged all of them in turn, Shawn included. As always, Shawn drank up the parental affection, feeling only slightly guilty over the illicit activities he’d participated in with Alan’s son the night before. 

 “How’s New York, Shawn?” Alan asked. 

 “It’s good,” Shawn nodded. 

 “I hear you got a nice job.”

 “Yeah. It’s a great job. Good pay, benefits. All that.”

 Was it Shawn imagining that the conversation was strained? Or was Alan feeling it too? 

 On the ride home, Shawn and Eric sat in the third row of the minivan, while Cory and Topanga in the middle row chatted with Alan happily. Eric kept trying to sneak his hand into Shawn’s, but Shawn would hit Eric lightly on the side of the leg each time. Eric reached over and grabbed Shawn quickly on the upper part of his inner-thigh. “Stop,” he finally begged Eric in a whisper, who turned and looked out the window with a smirk on his face. 

 It felt weird, being back in Philly. It really had only been seven months since they moved, but it felt like he’d been gone forever. Shawn kept seeing the same old familiar places he’d seen his whole life, and was shocked to have found them unchanged since he was gone. _He'd_ changed so much in those seven months, it seemed almost impossible that the sights in Philadelphia remained the same. 

 When they pulled up to the Matthews’ house, Josh ran out to greet them.  _There_  Shawn noticed was one thing that changed. In the time they’d left Josh had gone from a baby just nearing toddlerhood, to a running, shouting real-live toddler. 

 “Ewic! Cowy!  Shawn!  Panga!” Josh shouted happily as all four of the got out and surrounded him, giving him kisses and hugs. Eric picked Josh up and held him upside down, causing the little boy to shriek with delight. 

 “Don’t you dare drop him!” Amy Matthews called out, also running over to them. She hugged them all and ushered them inside, where they gratefully dropped their bags and flopped down.

It was an easy day, full of non-stop chatter and food. Even Morgan, now fully sullen and sarcastic at thirteen, was happy to leave her room and join them. Though she seemed disappointed that none of them were living up the New York City nightlife and had become, in her words, “a bunch of boring grownups.” 

 “Where are we sleeping?” Eric asked casually during dinner. 

 “Cory and Topanga are in the boys’ old room while Josh sleeps in the portable crib in our room. We have the pullout couch in the living room and we have a cot that can fit next to it, for you and Shawn to fight over,” Amy said. 

 “How big’s the pullout?” Eric asked, even more casually. 

 Amy shrugged, “A double or whatever.”

 “The cot’ll be fine, thanks Mrs. Matthews.” Shawn said quickly, steeling a glance at Eric. 

 After dinner, Eric stood up and stretched. “I gotta go check in with my mentor. See you all in a bit.”  He started toward the door. 

 Shawn felt a moment of blinding panic. Who knew what Eric would say to Feeny? “Do you want some company?”

 “No thanks,” Eric smiled. “I need some private mentoring.” He winked at Shawn, whose stomach clenched as he watched Eric walk out the door. 

  _Don’t obsess,_  he told himself.   _Eric’s not gonna out you to Feeny._  He quietly helped Amy with the dishes, answered her questions with a polite yes or no, but wasn’t really listening. After the dishes, Josh went down for bed and the whole family, minus Eric, watched a movie in the living room. Shawn, still was only half paying attention. 

 About halfway through, Cory and Topanga got up, announced they were tired and went to bed. Shawn, who could remember feeling uncomfortable around Alan Matthews exactly one time (right after he and Cory got drunk and Cory peed on the cop car), suddenly felt deeply uncomfortable around the two people who, for lack of any other options, had been the closest thing he’d ever had to parents. So he was relieved that there was a movie, at least, to keep them from having to have a conversation. And he was even more relieved when Eric walked into the house with about ten minutes left in the movie. He nudged Shawn on the knee and sat down on the couch next to him. 

 As the movie ended, Amy and Alan got up, and Alan brought out the folding cot, some sheets, blankets and a pillow for Shawn. Then the parents went to bed, giving each boy a kiss on the top of the head.

 Eric and Shawn silently pulled the couch out to a bed and put the sheets on it. Eric went upstairs to brush his teeth and changed into pajamas first, then Shawn. When Shawn came back down the stairs, Eric was lying in the pullout. He patted the spot next to him, “Come lay down.”

 “Eric.” Shawn glanced up the stairs.  “No.”

 “Just for a minute.” Eric pleaded, giving Shawn the same look he did in Target, trying to get Shawn to agree to a rubber ducky themed bathroom.

 Shawn sighed and perched on the edge of the bed, not laying down next to Eric. 

 “What’d you and Feeny talk about?” Shawn asked, trying not to sound too desperate or panicky.

 Eric shrugged, “Mentor stuff.”

 “Did you tell him about me?”

 “Is that what’s bothering you?” Eric rolled his eyes. 

 “Yeah.” Shawn admitted. 

 “I didn’t use your name, if that makes you feel better.”

 “But you told him you’re...”

 “Yeah. I told him I have a boyfriend.”

 “Eric, that’s so weird that you told him that.”

 “Why?”

 “He was our teacher. He’s not, like your buddy or your parents or whatever.”

 Eric shrugged again. “Look I’ll admit it’s a weird relationship.  You’ve had Cory your whole life to talk to about things.  I’ve never found anyone I could talk to.  Even Jack.  We were, like, buddies, but not the deep conversation type buddies.  Feeny and I just have this weird dynamic that works.”

 “All right.  So what’d he say?”

“He thinks I should tell mom and dad.”

 “What’d you say?”

 I told him that was out of the question until my boyfriend decides he wants to be out.”

 Shawn nodded silently. 

 “Is that OK?” Eric asked. 

 “It’s fine. I just....”

 “You just what?”

 Shawn shrugged. “I just wish we were home. I’m feeling stressed, being here.”

 Eric sat up behind Shawn and started massaging his shoulders. Shawn tensed and glanced up the stairs.  “Relax,” Eric pleaded.  “Everyone’s upstairs. Everyone’s asleep. Just act like nothing’s happened, OK? You used to practically live here and you liked it here. Let’s just go back to that for the next few days.”

Shawn snorted.  “I can try.  I just...I don’t know how to explain this.”

 “Explain what?”

 “So your parents have been so good to me.  And I kind of feel like sneaking around with you I’m throwing every good thing they’ve ever done for me back in their faces.”

 “Shawn?”

 “Yeah?”

 “You’re not a teenager anymore. You’re an adult.” Eric dug his hands deeper into Shawn’s shoulders.  “ _I’m_ an adult. We aren’t sneaking around, we’re just....not giving them the full story about our living arrangements. I get it that you don’t want to tell them yet, and that’s fine. But I think you’ll be surprised how well they’d take it. God, I know dad used to think you and Cory would end up together.”

 “What?”

 Eric started laughing. “Remember when Cory got drunk and peed on the cop car?”

 Shawn started laughing. “Yeah, I was just thinking about that time. God, I’m surprised he’ll even have a beer after that trauma.”

 "Remember how my dad blamed you?”

 Shawn quieted down.  “Mmm-hmm.”

 “I overheard him talking to mom. Cory and Topanga were broken up and he thought you and Cory were going to get together. He really did.”

 “Does he know I’m gay?”

 “I don’t know. I don’t think so. He kind of seemed to be implying that it was something you two would do and really regret. Like Cory was so messed up over Topanga, and you were so messed up over....well, Shawn no offense, you were kind of a messed up teenager, and you’d just one day realize you have this chemistry and you’d try to, I don’t know. Bang one out or something.”

 “God,” Shawn moaned, rubbing his hands over his face. He remembered that all too well. The sad thing was, he kind of did encourage Cory to drink hoping it’d open him up to kissing Shawn. But even drunk, Cory’d had no inclination to kiss Shawn. Which just depressed Shawn to the point of continuing to drink for the next week, before a lot of lectures from his overbearing, but ultimately well-meaning friends and brother convinced him to stop. Alan didn’t know how close he was to the truth. “See though? That’s my point. Your dad doesn’t want me sleeping with one of his sons.”

 “No.” Eric shook his head seriously. “I think his concern was that if you and Cory slept together that it would ruin your friendship. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a gay thing. Anyway, I don’t think my parents were ever overly concerned about premarital sex. I doubt they ever believed that Cory and Topanga waited.  _They_  didn’t wait. I was born six months after they got married. I’m not stupid, you know.”

 Shawn sighed and looked off into the distance.  “OK. Well, I’m still not ready to tell them. I’d rather tell Cory first anyway and I’m  _definitely_  not ready to tell him.”  Shawn leaned over and gave Eric a quick kiss on the lips. “I’m going to bed.”

 He stood up and lay down on the folding cot, buried himself under the covers and closed his eyes, aware that Eric was watching him the whole time.  “Night,” he finally heard Eric say.   

______________________

 Cory started in on Shawn the next morning. 

“Shawnie. There’s this girl in my business management class. Her name is Abby and I think you’d really like her.”

 “Not interested, Cory,” Shawn said simply. 

 “Come on. You can’t pine for Angela any longer. Let me set you up.”

 Shawn had to laugh in surprise. “Is that what you think I’m doing? Pining for Angela?”

 “I know you Shawn. I really think you’d like this girl.”

 “Listen, Cor. I’m working on my writing right now, all right? I want that to be my focus.”

 “Maybe Abby could be your muse, Eh?”  He nudged Shawn in the ribs and waggled his eyebrows. “Eh?” He repeated. 

 Shawn laughed again. He did love Cory.  “If I need a muse, you’ll be the first to know.”  Shawn glanced up at Eric who smiled and winked. 

 Except that it continued for days. Cory’s constant hints that Shawn needs to be set up. He offered some of Topanga’s new college friends. Girls from his classes. Single neighbors.  He brought up Gretchen the waitress again. In a way, Shawn liked this.  He liked the attention and caring he was getting from Cory. On the other hand, he knew Cory and Cory just won’t let things drop. Much like when he and Angela broke up and Cory pestered her continuously to be his friend. 

 Surprisingly, it was Eric who got sick of it first.  “Christ, Cory. Shawn said he’ll call you if he’s interested.”

 “Eric, you know Shawn just needs a little nudge in the right direction sometimes.”

 “No. I don’t think he does. I think Shawn knows full well what he’s doing.”

 “Ah,” Cory waved Eric off.  “Come on Shawn. What about that girl you work with? The one you’ve told us about and how much you like her?”

 “Star? She’s not girlfriend material. She’s like five years older than me.  _And_  she has a kid.”

 “Eric dated a girl with a kid once,” Cory pointed out. 

 “And that worked out real well, didn’t it?” Eric said sardonically. 

 “It could work,” Cory insisted. 

 Shawn sighed. “Cor. If I told you that I really am interested in Star, but I never told you because I was afraid you’d judge me because she’s older and has a kid, would you back off?”

 “Yeah,” Cory looked shocked. 

 “OK then. I’m interested in Star, but I never told you because I was afraid you’d judge me because she’s older and has a kid. And she’s not interested in me.”

 Eric started laughing. 

 “Shawn.”  Cory’s jaw was set as they both worked hard on ignoring Eric’s laughter.  “Why didn’t you tell me? You know there’s nothing you can’t tell me.”

 Eric started coughing. “‘scuse me.  I have to go get some water,” and he walked into the kitchen. 

 “So that’s what your concern is here? That I didn’t tell you?”

 “Listen, if I’ve been busy and haven’t had time for you, it’s just school.”

 “It’s not though, is it Cory? It’s your school, it’s my work. It’s that we live twenty minutes apart by subway. It’s that we’re in different places right now.”

 “Shawn - I.-“

 Shawn held his hand up. “Cor. It’s all right. I’m OK with it. Maybe we were a little too attached in high school. Maybe this isn’t a bad thing.”

 “No. Shawn.” Cory grabbed onto Shawn’s shoulders seriously, “You’re my best friend, all right? You always will be.”

 Shawn nodded.  “Best friends don’t have to see each other every day. We don’t have to tell each other every little detail.”

 “Are you two girls or something?” Topanga spoke up.

 “What?”

 “You two. Sitting here talking about your friendship like a couple of girls in knitting circle. Should we break out the Ben & Jerry’s and watch some Lifetime movies together? Paint our nails? Give each other makeovers?”

 Eric walked back in the room, “Makeovers!” he squealed. “Who’s doing makeovers?”

 Topanga rolled her eyes. “Cory and Shawn were waxing nostalgic about the fact that they no longer have the same vaguely-gay friendship they once had.”

 “That’s an interesting choice of words, Pangy.” Eric said with a smile toward Shawn. 

 “We’re not  _gay_ ,” Cory rolled his eyes. He turned to Shawn. “All right.  Now let’s get you some advice on how to get Star.”

________________________

 The night they got back to the apartment, Eric and Shawn fell into bed immediately and began undressing each other fervently. 

 “God, I missed this.” Eric said yanking Shawn’s jeans and boxers down in one fell swoop.

 “Mmmm,” Shawn said, biting into Eric’s neck a little. 

 “You were such an asshole, refusing to get in bed with me.” Eric said, sucking hard on Shawn’s nipple.

 “Well, Morgan did come down about an hour after bed that second night.” Shawn gasped when Eric bit. “So I was right.”

 “You were,” Eric leaned up and kissed Shawn hard on the lips. “You were right.” 

The lack of contact for the last five days had been too much for them to bear. Less than fifteen minutes back into the apartment and they were both satisfied, spent, and laying in each others’ arms breathing hard. They talked quietly for a few moments when the phone rang.

 Eric sighed and stood up to get it. Shawn taking the moment to admire seeing him fully naked, wondering if he’d ever get used to that sight.

 “Topanga?” Eric asked.  Shawn could only hear one side of the conversation. “Oh my god, is she OK?”  Shawn looked up, Eric had a look of concern on his face. “Yeah, we can help out. When is she scheduled to get here? No, I’m sure between the four of us, we can make our schedules work.”  “God.”  “Yeah, give her a call then call us back when you have more details.” He hung up.

 “What’s going on?”

 “It’s Rachel. She was in an accident in Nigeria and she hurt her back really bad, broke some vertebrae and needs surgery. She was flown to Switzerland last night, for surgery, but requested a transfer to the states for rehab. She doesn’t know anyone in Philly. Her parents are going through a really bitter divorce in Texas and she’s not exactly happy with either of them. So she asked Topanga if she’s able to schedule her rehab in the city, if the four of us could help her out. Give her a couch or couches to sleep on and help her get to rehab appointments. Says it’ll be about eight weeks of recovery.”

 “Is she, like, paralyzed?”

 “No.  I mean, she’s in a lot of pain, but she can walk.  And after this surgery, she’ll need to rest up and do these exercises I guess. But I said it’s OK. That we can help out. Is that all right?”

 “Yeah. I mean of course. It’s what friends do. Is Jack with her?”

 Eric shook his head. “They wouldn’t let Jack leave the camp where they’re staying. It’ll just be Rachel.”

 _Rachel._ Shawn couldn’t believe it. _Rachel was coming back._  


	9. In Which Rachel wants a do-over

A week later, Shawn, Eric, Cory and Topanga were on their way to the hospital to visit Rachel and meet with her doctor and rehab specialists about how to care for her at home. 

“Rachel,” Topanga said running to her in her hospital room. She leaned in for a hug, then pulled back suddenly. “Will it hurt?”

Rachel smiled, “I’m really doped up on pain medication.”  It was true, her eyes looked a little glassy. “Nothing hurts at the moment.”

Topanga laughed and leaned in for a gentle hug.  “What happened?" 

Rachel sighed.  “I was in a jeep with our group leader. We were heading into the closest town for supplies, about a three hour ride each way. It’s you know, a dirt road until you get into the town. Right before the pavement started the jeep just hit a rut in the road and flipped. I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt,” she cringed, “and I flew out the top, right before the jeep landed upside down.”

“How’d you get help?” 

“We were pretty close to town, you know. So there were a few people around who witnessed it. The town has a hospital, but not any ambulances. My group leader wasn’t hurt, so he stayed with me while some townspeople ran to get a doctor. The doctor came and they had a backboard and him, my group leader and a couple of the local men carried me to the hospital. They called the Peace Corps from the hospital and they arranged to have me flown to Switzerland for treatment. It took two days, and I was in so much pain. They don’t have a lot of pain medication there, but they kept putting me in twilight sleep, which helped a little. So I don’t remember much until I woke up after surgery in Switzerland. That was last week.  Then I was declared fit to come back to the States for rehab. And here I am.”  Rachel shrugged and tears sprang to her eyes. “Thank you guys, for helping me out.”

“Rachel,” Eric said softly.  “We’re happy to do it.”

The door opened and a smiling woman walked in. “You must be the friends.  I’m Lynn, Rachel’s therapist.” 

Everyone went around introducing themselves. Lynn started explaining to them about the care Rachel would need.  “Where is she going first?”

“With us,” Topanga said, indicating her and Cory.  “We’re on school break for a few more weeks, so she’ll be with us during that time. Then she’ll switch between them,” she pointed to Eric and Shawn, “and us depending on our schedules.”

Lynn focused mostly on Topanga and Cory, who would bear the brunt of help, since Rachel would be with them for the earliest parts of her rehab. In two and a half weeks, by the time she’d have her first night at Shawn and Eric’s, she’d be much more mobile and independent. 

Lynn was very thorough, explaining how to help Rachel. Handing over items like a shower stool, a walker, a cane, and a long-handled grabber. She went over Rachel’s rehab schedule, home exercises and about a million other things. 

She finished up. “The doctor is ready to discharge her by tomorrow for out-patient care. I’ve already set up an access van to pick her up. I’ll just need one of you two,” she looked at Cory and Topanga, “to be here to travel with her.”

“We’ll be here,” Topanga promised. 

They visited with Rachel for a little while longer, learning that she and Jack had broken up a couple months earlier, but were trying to remain friends. Jack wasn’t given permission to accompany her to Switzerland, and he insisted on having letters with updates as often as possible. Rachel admitted her pain medication put her in a good mood. She teased Cory and Topanga about when they’d have a baby.  And she teased both Eric and Shawn about needing to find girlfriends. 

Shawn laughed weakly.  “Right. I’m trying to focus on writing right now.”

“Well that and Star,” Cory said, winking at Shawn.

“Star?” Shawn asked, before realizing it. “Oh yeah, that. Cor, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

“C’mon Shawnie. You’ve gotta try at least.”

Shawn rolled his eyes and ignored him.  “Rach, we’ll see you in a couple days, all right? We’ll bring some dinner. Eric’s turning into a good cook.”

“Eric?” Rachel looked impressed.  “Is Shawn domesticating you?”

Eric laughed while Shawn blanched.  “Maybe a little bit,” he said. 

________________________

 

A few nights later, Eric and Shawn made their way over to Cory and Topanga’s apartment, carefully carrying a covered casserole dish with dinner and stopped at a bakery for dessert.  Eric was at the register, paying when he called out, “Hey babe?  Do you have a penny? This totals $11.01 and I don’t really want to carry ninety-nine cents around my pocket.”

Shawn shook his pockets, “No change.”

When they left the bakery, Shawn asked Eric, “What the hell?”

“What?”

“You called me Babe.”

Eric shrugged. “I’ve called you babe before, you know.”

“Not in public.”

Eric stopped. “Cory wasn’t there. I’m sure the baker will keep our secret,” he said sarcastically. “This is so weird for me, Shawn,” he continued when Shawn didn’t reply. “I’ve never been uncomfortable with myself and you’re making me self-conscious.”

“Don’t push me to talk to Cory,” Shawn warned. It had become a frequent topic of conversation since returning back to New York over Christmas. Eric was both encouraging Shawn to talk to Cory, while insisting he was fine if Shawn wasn’t ready. 

“I’m not. It’s just that we’re home, and we kiss and we make out, and we’ve like  _almost_  had sex, and we can call each other babe or walk around naked. But we go out in public and we revert to being just roommates. It’s bogus because we’re more than that, and it’s hard for me to....” he drifted off looking for the right word.

“Compartmentalize?”

“What the fuck? I don’t even know what that means. It’s hard for me to have to switch behaviors based on where I happen to be and who I happen to be around.”

“It’s hard for you to compartmentalize.”

“Go back to college if you can use words like that, all right?”

“Let’s just drop it, please?” Shawn asked.  “I promise, when I’m ready to tell Cory, you’ll be the first to know.”

“If we can hold hands. Just until we get to their building, I’ll drop it.”

Shawn sighed and looked at Eric, who was trying his hardest to make sad puppy dog face, while trying not to laugh.  He rolled his eyes and switched the casserole to one hand. “All right,” he held his hand out. The rest of the walk there, Shawn noted nothing more than cursory glances at the two men walking down the street, hand in hand.

_________________________

 

“Did you guys get here OK?” Shawn held the door open for Eric and Rachel.  Eric’s hands were full of Rachel’s bags and the shower stool. Rachel, already graduated from the walker, walked slowly into the apartment with a cane. 

“It was fine,” Eric said, leaning in slightly almost kissing Shawn on the cheek before Shawn turned away. Eric flushed bright red and Shawn realized Eric hadn’t meant to do that. 

Luckily, Rachel was looking around the apartment.  “This is nice, guys.”  She gestured to the couch. “Is that my bed?”

“Nope.  We decided you’ll get the bed.” Eric said gallantly leading the way into the bedroom. “Shawn’ll take the couch and my dad mailed up a blow up camping mattress for me.”

“No way,” Rachel shook her head.  “I can take the couch.”

“Absolutely not,” Shawn said.  “Eric and I discussed this, and we think this is best.” 

“I’m trying to not be such an imposition.”

“You aren’t.”

“Look. Let me have the couch. I know that takes Shawn’s space. But guys, I promise I won’t think it’s creepy and gay if you have to share a big queen size bed for a few nights. It’s big enough you probably don’t have to touch at all.”

Eric and Shawn stared at her silently and wide-eyed for a few moments, neither one daring to look at the other. Finally Shawn cleared his throat. “We pay the rent and we decided you’re sleeping on the bed. That’s final.”

One thing that Shawn and Eric had learned is that it was basically impossible for them to lie in bed together before bed without some serious making out.  And maybe this was just because this relationship was still so new, but it was  _every night ._ Even though they hadn’t actually officially had sex yet, every night turned into a serious session of kissing and jerking and sucking.  And neither one of them, but Shawn least of all, was quiet about it.  Shawn surprised himself by becoming a shouter, something he’d never been with girls. 

That was really the reason they’d given up the bed. And Rachel’s comment was all the stranger because a few nights earlier discussing this, Eric had said “if she takes the couch, let’s just ask her not to think it’s too gay for us to sleep together in the same bed. Then we can have a big laugh like that’s the most ridiculous thing ever.”  But Shawn had disagreed, saying they couldn’t risk her getting up earlier than them in the morning, peeking her head in and finding their bodies entwined.  Eric gave in pretty easily. 

“Sit, sit,” Eric said helping her over to the couch. “Tell us how it’s been at Cory and Topanga’s.”

“Fine, really. I needed a lot of help that first week. Kind of embarrassing, but Topanga had to help me to the bathroom even. After that, I didn’t really need someone there all the time. That’s why it’s perfect for me to be here now, since I’ll be OK with you guys at work during the day. I’m doing great in rehab.”

“Well, I’m going to start dinner,” Eric stood up. “We got some movies if you want to watch something.”

Instead of watching a movie, Shawn and Rachel spent the time catching up.  Shawn hadn’t realized how much he missed his brother, until Rachel started telling stories about him.  _If Jack was here_ , Shawn realized, _maybe I’d have someone to talk to about this thing with Eric. Maybe I’d feel more secure about telling Cory. Maybe I wouldn’t have to bother Star with my relationship drama._  

Eric walked back and forth from the kitchen to the living room butting in with his own thoughts about Jack.  “Do you think he’ll stay in the Peace Corp?”

Rachel nodded her head. “Definitely. It was so good for him to get away from all that money, you know? I think he knows how corrupting it was to his childhood.”

Shawn snorted. “Better to have too much of something than too little.”

Rachel looked at him appraisingly. “You think so?”

Shawn shrugged, “Well, yeah. It’s no picnic. Having to hide your bills from your dad until he’s sober enough to not knock the crap out of you for the high crime of showing him the bills.”

“But you turned out fine.”

Shawn rolled his eyes. “I’m a college dropout, Rachel.”

“So?  You’re young, you can go back.” Rachel waved him off.  “I think Jack’s afraid of coming back and getting strong-armed into going into the business with his step dad. But he wants to do good, you know? Not be in finance or whatever it is his stepdad does.”

Shawn thought momentarily of one of the last times Feeny had ever lectured them at John Adams.

_“Do good,”_ he’d said. 

_“Don’t you mean do well?”_  Topanga had asked. 

“ _No. I meant do good.”_  

Jack wasn’t there, so he hadn’t heard it. But that lecture was one of those weird things that had always stuck with Shawn.

 

__________________________

 

Eric called Shawn at work that Friday night, apologetic.  “I have to work late. Is there any way you can get home a little earlier to help Rachel with dinner?”  Rachel could be left home all day, but she wasn’t steady enough on her feet to be trusted around a hot burner. 

“Probably, hold on.”  Shawn turned to Star, “It OK if I cut out a couple hours early?”

Star shrugged, “Fine with me.”

“Yeah, I can do it.”

Instead of cooking, Shawn decided to pick up chinese on the way home. It was so stupid that he remembered Rachel’s favorite from those years ago when they were all in Philly. It surprised Shawn to realize it had only been a year ago, it felt like so much longer.  Still, he always remembered her digging in to chicken sesame. 

“You remembered!” Rachel exclaimed when she opened the little white box of chinese food.

“Surprise,” he leaned down and kissed her cheek. “Eric has to work late tonight, so it’ll just be me and you for a while.” Shawn sat on the floor opposite her and opened his own container of moo-shoo pork.  “How was your day?”

“Um, really boring actually.” Rachel laughed.  “Let’s see, I went to rehab in the morning. When I got back, I finished that book you got for me from the library. I watched some Oprah and some other trashy talk shows.”

“Sorry it’s no fun.”

Rachel shrugged. “It’s not the boredom so much.  It’s feeling helpless.”

 "Nah.  You’re not helpless.  You’re doing fine.”

“I’m feeling really lost,” Rachel admitted. She scratched her chin thoughtfully and Shawn waited for her to continue.  “Once I’m done rehab, I don’t know what to do. I can’t go back to the Peace Corps. I’m kind of embarrassed about having to be flown out of there to begin with. I can’t go back to Philly. I could go back to Texas, but I feel so disconnected from everyone there. You know, you four and Feeny were the only ones to ever write to me in Africa. My own parents didn’t. My high school friends didn’t. My high school friends are all married and having babies already and they’re like, ‘Oh Rachel’s doing this weird Peace Corps thing. It’s a phase. She’ll come to her senses and settle down one day. She’ll realize that owning a big house and driving an SUV and having a husband and staying home with the babies is the best thing ever.’”

“So stay in New York,” Shawn said.  “Find a job. Find a roommate. You’ve got us in the meantime. Eric and I lived with Topanga and Cory for nearly five months. We can’t complain about someone crashing here.”

“You guys have been too good to me.”

Shawn shrugged. “It’s fine.  You’d have done the same for us.”

“Eric said the same thing.”

“You’ve talked to Eric about this?”

“Yeah. Usually he’s home well over an hour before you are. We talk while he cooks dinner.”

“I didn’t realize.”

“Yeah. Listen, Shawn. I’m not with Jack anymore.  And I know Jack’s your brother so this might be kind of weird.  And maybe I’m just feeling really sad and depressed over this injury thing. But would it be wrong of me to, I don’t know. Try going out with Eric?  I mean, do you think he’d be interested in me like that anymore?”

Shawn paused and looked into his food. “I don’t know, Rach. I think he might be seeing someone.”

“Really?” Rachel sounded surprised. “He told me he’s not.”

Shawn looked up in surprise. “What’d he say?”

Rachel shrugged.  “I asked him about girlfriends. He said he’s living the single life now.”

“Huh.” Shawn’s mind was racing. 

“Why, did he tell you something else?”

“Oh. No.” Shawn shook his head like he was clearing his thoughts. “It was just kind of an impression I’d gotten.”

“Am I pathetic?”

“You?  God, Rach. You’re not pathetic. Why’d you think that?”

Rachel shrugged.  “I really don’t know if I’m just reacting to being injured.  Like I’ll try this thing with Eric because I’m hurt and depressed.  You seem to think he’s seeing someone, he told me right out that he’s not. I thought maybe you’re trying to discourage me.”

“The last thing I would want to do is discourage you,” Shawn said, a sour taste in his mouth. 

“What should I do?”

“I don’t know,” Shawn was sick of the subject already. “Talk to him.”


	10. In Which Shawn Runs.....Again.

“What the hell else was I supposed to say?” Eric demanded. 

“You could have lied. You could have said you’re seeing someone. Hell, Eric. You’re the one who said you aren’t ashamed of who you are. You could have clued her in that the someone you’re seeing is a  _guy._ ”

The evening after Shawn’s conversation with Rachel was awkward once Eric got home. Shawn was cool toward him, keeping his nose in his book most of the night. At night, while Rachel was in the bed alone, Eric and Shawn on the blowup mattress and couch respectively, Eric tried to talk to Shawn, but Shawn yawned loudly.  “I’m really tired, Eric. ‘Night.” He rolled over and stared blankly into the dark. 

In the morning, Topanga came by to pick Rachel up. She was spending the weekend with Topanga and Cory. Immediately after she left, Shawn had rounded on Eric, telling him what Rachel had told him the night before.

“Why should I have? You won’t tell Cory about us. You won’t even tell Cory that you are seeing someone and he happens to be a guy. You won’t even tell Cory you’re  _gay_  let alone saying anything about us.”

“This is totally different than the Cory thing and you know it.”

“How is it different?” Eric challenged. 

“I can’t even begin to fathom how you don’t see that’s different.” Shawn started ticking off points on his fingers.  “I’ve known Cory forever. I’ve loved him for nearly that long. Cory’s not at all interested in me like that, doesn’t have the capacity to love me back like that. But Rachel  _is_  interested in you like that. And” Shawn pointed to Eric to make his final point, “You  _do_ have the capacity to love her back.”

“So this is about me being bi instead of gay?”

“Not exactly. This is about...” Shawn hesitated. “I don’t know. Maybe that’s part of it.  hen you and Rachel were talking, didn’t it even occur to you that she was flirting?”

Eric shrugged without saying anything.

“God, were you  _enjoying_  that? Having a girl flirt with you?”

“No. I wasn’t,” Eric looked away briefly. 

“You’re lying.”

“It’s a little flattering, all right?” Eric admitted arms wide open.  “That’s all it was. But that wasn’t why I told her I’m not seeing anyone. I told her that because  _you’re_  the one so interested in keeping this a secret.”

“Oh. Awesome. So it was for  _me_  that you flirted with Rachel.”  Shawn clasped his hands to his chest sarcastically. “Gosh Eric. Thanks so much for doing that for  _me._ ”

“I can’t believe you’re being such an asshole about this.” Eric’s voice was infuriatingly calm.

“Oh my God.  _I’m_  being the asshole? You could have fooled me.”  Shawn grabbed his jacket off the back of the dining room chair where it was hanging, took his keys off the counter and walked out of the apartment. 

He was nearly to the stairwell when the door opened and Eric stuck his head out. “Of  _course_  you’re going to run away. I never really expected you to act like an adult about this.”

Shawn turned, gave Eric the finger, opened the stairwell door and left. From the stairwell, he could hear their apartment door slam loudly.

 ____________________

 

“Seriously Shawn?” Star asked incredulously.  “You ran away because of that?”

“How else should I have handled it?” Shawn asked defensively. He was sitting on the porch swing in front of Star’s house, practically having a nervous breakdown, and all Star could do was roll her eyes at him for running away. 

Star shrugged. “I don’t know. Maturely.”

“This isn’t really running away, OK? I just don’t know how to argue. I’ve always run from arguments before. This is just.....getting away to give me time to think about it." 

“I guess that makes sense.” She sounded skeptical.

“Seriously. When I want to run, I run. I go far far away. When my dad died, I ran to some hole-in-the-wall small town, convinced I was going to live there forever. When I kissed Eric that first time, I only ran to a hotel for a couple nights. Now we argued and I ran here, with every intention of going home tonight. I’m getting better.”

“So you’re just thinking things through? You'll go back?”

“Yeah, I'm thinking things through.”

“You’d better hope Eric sees it like that.” 

“It’s just me. I need to leave to get some time to cool off before I can be reasonable.”

“You want to know what I think?”  Star started twiddling the ends of Shawn’s hair.

“That’s why I’m here.”

“You’re both right. And you’re both idiots.”

“How?”

“Well, I see your point. You telling Cory that you’re interested in me,” Star snickered remembering how Shawn had looked shame-faced telling her the story his first day back from vacation, “was your way of saying to him that you’re unavailable to be set up.  Even if it was a weird twisted way of doing it, you kind of did that for Eric. I can see that Eric wasn’t even able to make up this little lie and do the same for you. I get it, that’s upsetting.”

“Exactly.”

“But sweetie, you’ve got to see it from Eric’s point of view. He’s like the most comfortable with himself guy I’ve ever met. It’s hard on him to have a boyfriend like you, so to him, not mentioning a relationship at all was kind of protecting you. In yet another weird, twisted way.”

“But he liked Rachel in the past. He really went after her.” Shawn paused before adding miserably, “they’d probably be perfect together.”

Star shrugged.  “Maybe so.  But you’re the one he chose.”

“That’s the thing. Maybe he chose wrong.”

“Shawn, seriously.” Star pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. “I’m sick of the low self-esteem thing, all right?”

“It’s more than that, all right? It’s more than me thinking I’m not good enough for him, which I do kind of think anyway.”

“So what is it?”

Shawn sighed and looked into the distance, “It’s that maybe this is too complicated. I’ve been too involved in the Matthews family for so long, that it’s really fucking scary to think of my relationship with Eric’s parents, and especially with Cory, changing. Because I don’t know how it’s gonna change. It’s that I’m gay and I can’t help how I am. But Eric  _could_ choose to date a girl, to live with a girl, to marry a girl. And his life would be that much less complicated. I complicate his life by being so attached to his family and by being a guy.”

“What does Eric say to all that?”

Shawn looked at her condescendingly. “You know I haven’t told him.”

“Well tell him already. Jeez. Give him a little credit - maybe he’s thought of all this and he’s still chosen you.”

Shawn continued looking at Star, quietly studying her. “Did you get your hair cut?” He asked out of the blue. 

Star had always worn her dirty blond hair pulled back into a long braid down her back. But Shawn had been too wrapped up in his own problems to see that her hair was now shiny and shoulder length and curled under daintily.  

Star giggled and fiddled with her hair.  “I just wanted a change.”  She wrapped the ends of her newly shorn hair around her finger. “I met someone.” She said it like she was admitting having cheated on a test. 

“You did?” Shawn felt a little ashamed to have come over here talking about his problems, when Star had her own news. “Tell me about him.”

“You don’t want to hear this.”

“I do.” Shawn insisted.

“It’s a dad from Tyler’s school. I met him last week at the new semester’s back to school night. His son is a year ahead of Tyler, but they play together when Tyler has to go to after care.” Star shrugged. “When we left the school in the evening, we were waiting at the bus stop, freezing our asses off, and this dad drives by and offers us a ride home. Tyler knew the son, so we agreed. And he came in and had coffee and we talked for hours while Tyler and Ben played.  We’re going out tonight.”

“You have a date tonight?” Shawn smiled slowly.

“Yeah,” Star said, sounding unsure of herself.

Shawn leaned in and pecked her on the cheek. “It’s gonna be fabulous,” he assured her. 

“It’s been so long since I’ve been on a date. What are the rules?”

“I don’t know about dating rules, Star. Remember me? Sleeping with my roommate?”

Star laughed. “I’ll figure it out. I can’t believe it. I’d never even considered a pool of single dads from Tyler’s school. It seems so obvious now.”

 “God, Star you must hate me.  You have a date and I come over here to talk about me, me, me.”

Star laughed. “God, let’s get off the subject of my date.  It’s making me want to throw up, just thinking about it. What’re you going to about Eric?”

“Blech.”  Shawn rubbed his face in his hands.  “I have to talk to him, right?”

“Yep,” Star nodded. 

Shawn sighed and stood up. Star stood up with him and gave him a big hug. “Work it out. I think he’s worth it.”

“I know he is.” Shawn said, a plan forming in his head as he said it.

___________________________

 

Shawn spent the bus ride home thinking about what he was about to do. This was big, this was going to be a huge, life-changing moment for him and he didn’t know whether to overthink it or try to put it out of his mind and just jump in feet first. 

Shawn was going to tell Cory that he’s gay. For Eric. 

He was so deep in thought, he nearly missed his stop, pulling the cord just in time for the driver to glare to him in the rearview mirror and lurch to a halt. Shawn jumped off the bus and crossed the street to his building. He stood in front of it for a few moments, gathering his courage. 

When he stepped into the apartment, Eric ran at him and kissed him hard on the lips quickly before pulling away.  “If you ever run away again,” Eric said pressing his forehead to Shawn’s, “that might be it. I can’t. Fucking. Stand it.”

“Eric,” Shawn said, moving away.  “I get it. I wasn’t really running away. I was.... regrouping,” he said. “Sit.”

Eric sat next to Shawn on the couch and Shawn continued.  “Listen. I’m sorry. I get why you’re annoyed with me, but you’ve just gotta understand this isn’t as easy for me as it is for you. I’m not like you and I don’t want to complicate your life any more than it already is.”  Shawn didn’t add that he’d always kind of thought Eric’s life was gloriously free from complication.  “All these things I’m worried about are about me, not you.  I’m worried about your family seeing me differently, that I’m not good enough for you. I’m worried about you deciding you’d rather be with a girl.  These are things that you can’t fix for me, and I’m not going to get mad at you over that.”

Eric sighed, “For what it’s worth, when I’m with you I’d rather just self-identify as gay rather than bi.”

“Self-identify?” Shawn said. “What have you been reading gay self help books?”

“Actually. Yes.”

Shawn laughed.

“What?” Eric sounded offended. 

“Well,” Shawn bit back a smile. “You don’t read that much to begin with.  And a self-help book?  A  _gay_  self help book? Did you get a library card without me knowing?”

Eric pouted.  “I  _bought_  the book. Maybe you ought to read it.”

“Uh, no thanks,” Shawn said. “I’m a little skeptical of self-help books.”

“It’s really good!” Eric insisted. 

“ _The Great Gatsby_  is really good,” Shawn corrected him.  “Self-help books are a money-making scheme which prey on the gullible.”  Eric looked like he was about to argue, so Shawn added, “Anyway!” loudly.  “I want to do something for you.”

“What?”

“This.” Shawn pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Cory’s number.  

“Cor?”

“Hey, Shawnie. What’s up?”

“I wanted to talk to you about something.” Eric’s eyes widened and he began shaking his head and mouthing 'no.' Shawn ignored him.

“Shoot.”

Shawn took a deep breath.  “I’m not really interested in Star. I lied when I told you that.”

“What? Why? Why would you lie to me?”

“That’s not all,” Shawn gulped. Cory didn’t answer. “I’ve kind of been lying to you for years.”

“Shawn?” Cory was sounding unsure.  “What is it? What can I do?”

Shawn stared at the ceiling, urging the tears to not start flowing.  “I’m gay,” he croaked. 

“What?”

“Yeah.”

“Stay right there.  I’m coming over.”

 


	11. In Which Shawn Explains Shit to Cory

“Oh my God,” Eric’s eyes were wide. “What’d you just do?”

Shawn was staring at the phone in his hands and dropped it like it was a hot potato. “I think I just came out to Cory.”

“Babe,” Eric scooted close to Shawn, “You didn’t have to do that for me.”

“Uh,” Shawn’s voice cracked.  “It’s a little late now isn’t it?” He started laughing. 

Eric didn’t join in his laughter.  “I was really OK that you weren’t ready.”

“No you weren’t,” Shawn accused him. “You brought it up all the time.”

Eric hesitated, unsure what to do in the face of Shawn's continued, almost manic, laughter.  “Maybe. But God. Don’t do this for me.”

Shawn shrugged and gulped. “Well, the cat’s out of the bag. Maybe I did it for you, maybe I did it for myself.” He paused and licked his lips before standing up and starting to pace the room.. “Jesus God, he’s on his way over here. He’s going to want to  _talk_  about this.”  Shawn stopped laughing and started to look panicked, running his hands through his hair nervously.

“How much are you going to tell him?”

“Well, Eric. I haven’t really planned this out you know. Maybe I’d better just see how he handles the gay news first, before I go around telling him that his big brother sure sucks a mean dick.”

“Fair enough,” Eric seemed to relax a little and started to laugh too.  “Well, this isn’t what I expected out of this weekend.”

“You know what?” Shawn asked. “I can’t think about this now. Cory’ll be here in about twenty minutes.” Shawn began unbuckling his belt. “Your job is to help take my mind off this.”

Eric’s face lit up as he lunged at Shawn, brushing Shawn’s hands aside Eric began unzipping Shawn’s jeans and pushing them down his hips. Eric pushed Shawn back onto the couch and climbed on top of him, kissing him deeply. 

Shawn shivered, never sick of the feeling of Eric on top of him. Never sick of watching Eric undress himself quickly. This was so different than with a girl. Girls needed foreplay, and Shawn never wanted that. He always wanted to just say ‘hey, I’m in the mood,’ and be naked within three minutes. 

And it helped that they were short on time here, waiting for Cory. Shawn did his best to just not think about Cory, about what to say to Cory, as he leaned into the couch, arching his back as Eric took him into his mouth. 

Was it really this simple? Had it really just been a few hours ago that they’d fought so terribly that Shawn had stormed off to Star’s house? Shawn looked down, at the top of Eric’s head and smiled. He loved Eric. He loved how uncomplicated things could be with him. All of the complications - the secret gayness, the being bisexual, the Matthews family - all of that seemed so unimportant when he was here with Eric. He made the right choice in starting to come out to Cory. All of this that he felt as he came with a shout and a shudder in Eric’s mouth, was that Eric was worth it. 

____________________

 

Shawn met Cory outside his building. He really couldn’t talk to Cory in front of Eric. This was something he wanted to do on his own. If he did decide to come clean about the nature of his relationship with Eric, he wanted it to be because he truly wanted to, not because he was stealing glances at Eric and felt pressure to. 

Every time a bus would roll by the stop, Shawn would look up expectantly for Cory. It felt like forever, but it couldn’t have been more than ten minutes that he was waiting outside for him, and Cory stepped off the bus and saw Shawn immediately. 

“I’ve starved,” was the first thing Shawn said to him.  “Let’s go to The Pub and eat.”

“Fine,” Cory said awkwardly and they walked silently to the restaurant. It was practically empty inside, being well past lunch time, but still too early for dinner. Shawn was relieved that Gretchen wasn’t working for once. He chose a booth in the furthest corner, away from the handful of other customers in the restaurant. 

“So...” Shawn said, unsure what else to say.

“Why did you never tell me?” Shawn tried to read Cory’s face. There was some concern, maybe a little desperation, definitely a lot of confusion. 

Shawn shrugged. “A little bit of denial. Well, denial might be the wrong word, but I kind of forced myself to not think about it. And telling you, telling  _anyone_  would have forced me to do more thinking than I wanted.”

“How long have you known?”

“A long time. I realized something was different when we were kids, but I didn’t really fully understand what it was until we were like fourteen, fifteen.”

“And all those girls?”

Shawn looked down. “It was part of the denial or whatever. Running from it.”  Shawn repeated the story about Johnny at the trailer park. 

“Shawnie.”  Cory went silent for a minute. “I’m honestly at a loss for words. I honestly don’t know what to say.”

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Shawn begged. He couldn’t believe how calm Cory was, how he was so monotone asking these questions. This wasn’t Cory. Cory fought news like this all the time. Cory hated Shawn leaving him in the dark. The new calm Cory disconcerted Shawn.

“I’m thinking about a thousand different things, and I don’t know which to act on first.”

“Just start from wherever. Cor, I need to know what you’re thinking. I need to know you aren’t mad at me. I promise, I’ll be open minded to whatever’s going through your mind right now.”

“You want complete honesty?”

“Yes, please. Complete honesty.”

Cory took a deep breath and a sip from his beer.  “All right. First. I am kind of mad that you never told me. But a different kind of mad. Maybe more hurt than mad?  A little insulted. OK, yeah, insulted and hurt. Did you think I’m a big homophobe or something? But at the same time, I hate myself for thinking those things, because this isn’t really about me, is it? It’s about you and I shouldn’t make it about me. I don’t know. I’m really confused here Shawn. I just don’t get this. I don’t get where this came from. I’ve never seen it in you.”

“OK.” Shawn said nodding.  “Those are all fair points.”

“Listen, but I’m supportive of you Shawnie. I want you to be happy. I just....you wanted me to be honest.”

“I appreciate the honesty, Cor.”

“So,  _really_. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Shawn sighed. “Well, you know. When you’re a teenager there’s a lot of being macho. And that whole time period is just so...I don’t know... _hormonal._  And there’s this pressure to fit in, and I already didn’t fit in because I was one of the few trailer park kids at school, and I didn’t really have a mom, and I only had half a dad, and I lived with a teacher. I just wanted to fit in.  And I was good at getting girls, it was ironically one of my few talents.”

Cory laughed weakly. “What about after high school?”

Shawn looked at Cory and considered what to say. He remembered so well living in the dorm with Cory, deciding to move to New York with him and feeling so badly like he  _wanted_  Cory, and feeling so ashamed of himself for feeling that way.  “I was really immature, you know.  I wanted to be  _normal_  still. I wanted to be like you. I tried to be normal with Angela and that just didn’t work out.” Shawn’s mouth went dry and he took a long pull from his beer.  “The reason Angela would barely talk to you after she and I broke up is that she figured it out.”

Cory rubbed his eyes hard. “Angela knows?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“Angela knew before me.”

“She figured it out, Cor.”

“How’d she take it?”

“Not well at first. I’d spent a lot of time chasing her and complimenting her, and sleeping with her and telling her I loved her. It was kind of a difficult thing for her to hear that it was all false.”

“How’d she figure it out?”

Shawn shrugged. 

Cory continued, sighing. “OK. So you didn’t tell me in high school. You didn’t tell me at Pennbrooke. Why not ever after that? Once we got to New York?”

“It’s the same thing, Cory. It’s running from it myself and being scared of myself. I’m terrified of who I am and I am _terrified_  of what it’ll do to our friendship.”

“I told Topanga. Before I left to come here, I told her.”

“All right.” This was unsurprising to Shawn, who knew that Cory told Topanga everything. 

“She said she suspected it a long time ago.”

“I must be awfully transparent,” Shawn said dryly.  

Cory hesitated.  “She was wondering if maybe you....” he tittered uncomfortably.  “Maybe you had a thing for me,” he finished the sentence in a rush, blushing deeply and not making eye contact. 

“Huh.” Shawn said, taking a long pull on his beer.  “Well.”

Cory crossed his arms over his chest uncomfortably and started to say something when he was interrupted by their food arriving. Instead he gave a small smile and thanked the waitress. They ate silently for a few minutes before Cory put down his fork. 

“Complete honesty, Shawnie."

“OK.”

“Did you? Ever...you know. What Topanga said.”

Shawn thought for a moment how to answer this question. “Is there any answer to that question that doesn’t make me look like an asshole? It’s either no, I’m totally in to guys but I’ve never even thought about you like that which is kind of insulting to you which totally makes me an asshole. Or I say yes and I’m an asshole because we’ve been friends forever and I’ve been secretly harboring a crush on you and looking at you askance in the locker room.”  Shawn pushed his food away, having lost his appetite. “So seriously, is there any answer that’ll make you feel better?”

“The answer that’ll make me feel better is the honest one.”

“Bullshit,” Shawn frowned. He felt like he was in a no-win situation, convinced that telling Cory he’d loved him for the last seven years would destroy twenty years worth of friendship. But also convinced that lying would do the same.  “I thought you said this wasn’t about you.”

Cory looked stunned.  “Shawn,” he reached his arm forward like he was going to grab Shawn’s hand, then seemed to have seconds thoughts and brought it back to his side quickly. A move that did not go unnoticed by Shawn. Since when did Cory shy away from touching him?  “It’s not about me.  You’re right.” 

Cory stared out the window for several minutes while Shawn resumed picking at his food.  Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he blurted out, “Why didn’t you trust me enough to tell me?” He sounded a little angry. “I thought we told each other everything.”  Cory took an angry bite of his pub nachos and continued through a full mouth. “When I was anxious to have sex, right before I got married when I was  _terrified_  of doing it wrong, you were the one I talked to. When Topanga and I were on yet another break up, you were the one I talked to. This is just. This is huge, Shawn. This is a really important part of you and who you are, and  _why_  couldn’t you share it with me? I wouldn’t have judged you. I wouldn’t have told anyone, not even Topanga if that’s what you wanted.”

“You have no idea what it’s been like for me.” Shawn said.

“So  _tell_ me. This is what I’m trying to say. We're best friends, and I want to know these things.”

Shawn took a deep breath. “When we did that _Chick Like Me_ article, I already knew a little bit who I was. I knew I was in to guys, but at that point it was total denial in my mind. I just...refused to think about it. And you looked so ridiculous in your dress. But when I put it on and went to school as Veronica?  God, Cor. The way you looked at me and the way you carried my books to class. And I couldn’t really deny it anymore. It took every ounce of strength in me not to shove you against a row lockers and kiss you. And when you were worried about how good a kisser you were with Topanga, it took every ounce of strength not to lightly suggest we practice together. I’ve spent the last seven years fighting moments like that nearly every day. I chose lying and preserving our friendship over telling you the truth and possibly destroying it forever.  So  _that_ , in a nutshell, in what it’s been like for me.”

Cory shifted uncomfortably. “And now?” 

“It’s fine. Cor, you’re like a brother to me. You’re more than a brother to me. I’m closer to you than I am to my own brother. And it took me moving away from you for the first time ever to realize that.  I only wanted you because you were the most stable guy in my life. That’s what I desired.”

“So have you met someone else?”

“I....” Shawn’s voice broke. He nodded slightly. 

“Really?” Cory suddenly seemed less angry, less put off and more interested. Shawn inwardly rolled his eyes. He should have known that the prospect of romantic gossip would interest Cory.  “Who?”

“I don’t think I can answer that, Cor.”

“C’mon,” Cory needled him. “Tell me or else I’m going to try to hook you up with every last gay guy in every single one of my classes.”

Shawn laughed weakly. “Please don’t do that."

“So, then tell me.  Who’s the boy? I’m not going to believe you until I hear a name.”

Shawn couldn’t believe the one-eighty in Cory’s attitude.  _This_  was the Cory he remembered, pushing Shawn to be in a relationship, pushing Shawn toward stability. Shawn realized he’d come this far, and keeping anything else from Cory would only serve to make him angry later. 

“Eric.” Shawn said. 

“Ahhh?  Another Eric. Tell me about him.” Cory was nodding, fulling eating his pub nachos now. 

Shawn felt his face burn.  “It’s  _Eric_.  Eric.  Your brother Eric.”


	12. In Which Cory Freaks Out & Shawn Chooses Eric

“Topanga!” Cory yelled as he stormed into their apartment and slammed the door behind him.

Topanga came running up to him, “What? What’s wrong?

Cory grabbed on to Topanga’s arm and looked around. Rachel was looking at him curiously from the couch. He decided he didn’t really care. “I can’t do this. I can’t be friends with him.”

“Cory Matthews,” Topanga lectured. “Your best friend tells you he’s gay and you can’t-”

“It’s not that.” Cory cut her off. He opened the refrigerator door, realized he had no idea why he was going in there in the first place and slammed it shut. Pictures and magnets dropped to the ground and some spare dishes sitting atop the refrigerator rattled.  “He told me how in love with me he’s been for the last seven years. And even _that_ , I could live with. What I can’t live with is the fact that he’s now fucking my brother.”

_____________

“How’d it go?” Eric asked Shawn. Shawn didn’t answer, went straight to the bedroom and flopped down, face first. He hadn’t even bothered to take off his shoes or jacket. 

Eric followed him in. “Was it really that bad?”

Shawn sighed and rolled over to his back, staring blank-eyed at the ceiling. Eric sat on the edge of the bed and started unlacing Shawn’s shoes. “It wasn’t, at first,” he said dully. “It only got bad when I told him about you.”

“You told him about me?” Eric was surprised.

Shawn nodded. “He was threatening to set me up with every gay guy in every one of his classes. I had to tell him and I was pretty much past lying at that point.” Shawn raked his fingers through his hair, agitated. Eric removed Shawn’s sock and began giving him a foot rub. “I’d already told him that I wanted him all throughout high school and at Pennbrooke. And he handled that all right, a little awkward, but all right. I didn’t know  _this_  would be his breaking point.”

“Ah,” Eric said managing in that one syllable to sound both sympathetic and dismissive. “He’ll be fine. You know Cory better than anyone. He needs time to adjust.” 

“It’s worse than that, Eric.” Shawn explained. “He’s really pissed. This isn’t Cory being fearful of change, because in case you hadn’t noticed, New York seems to have cured him of that.”

“This isn’t a small change, babe.” Eric said, kneading Shawn’s foot harder and working up the ankle and up through the calf.  “This is a major change in the nature of your relationship with him. I’m replacing him, that’s what he’s mad about.”

“I still want him to be my best friend."

“That’s all well and good, but now he’s your best friend whose brother you’re dating. Or, as he probably sees it, he's _just_ the brother of the guy you’re dating.”

______________________

“What?” Topanga and Rachel gasped at the same time.

“Oh. Yup. A brand new relationship. Whee!” Cory said sarcastically making jazz-hands. “Isn’t it wonderful?” He opened the refrigerator again, before realizing that once again he didn’t need anything from there. “Fuck!” he shouted, slamming the door. A picture of Joshua pulled out from under the NYU magnet and floated softly to the ground.

Topanga and Rachel were still staring at him, wide-eyed. Finally Rachel spoke up. “Wait. Eric and Shawn?”

“It’s glorious news, isn’t it? Maybe we can all attend their civil union together. Oh, Topanga, maybe when they adopt a third-world baby, we can be Godparents!”  He reached for the refrigerator door a third time, but Topanga caught his arm and pulled him to the living room.

“Sit,” she commanded.

Cory sat. 

“How did this happen?” Topanga asked. “I’d always seen it in Shawn, but I never would have guessed it about Eric.”

Cory snorted.  “That’s because Eric isn’t actually gay.” Topanga and Rachel looked confused. “I know, right?  Eric is supposedly bisexual but had really only dated girls most of his life besides one little hookup with Jason when he was fifteen.”  Cory held his hands out like a scale, “So let’s see, Jason when he was fifteen and hormonal and confused,” he tipped one hand down slightly, “Or what? Four, Five different girls since then,” he tipped the other hand all the way to the floor in an exaggeration.  “What the hell did Shawn  _do?_ Find out that Eric made out with a guy ten years ago and lured him into the sack?”

“I’m sure it wasn’t like that,” Topanga said. “Didn’t you ask him?”

“No. But I know how Shawn Hunter operates, and I can only assume. I got the basic gist of it, got the check, and got the hell out of there.”

“Maybe you should call Eric,” Rachel offered.

“The hell I should!” Cory stood up and began pacing the room. 

“Cory,” Topanga said in an infuriatingly calm voice. “Why are you  _really_  so angry?”

________________________

“Mmm.” Shawn said, not really considering what Eric had just said. Eric’s kneading fingers were distracting him from the topic at hand. He grabbed onto Eric’s hand and pressed it against his own fly.

“Really?” Eric asked, already hovering himself over Shawn.

“Yes. Please. I don’t want to talk right now.”

“All right,” Eric agreed easily and began to unzip Shawn’s jeans. Shawn raised his hips so Eric could push the pants down and off Shawn’s body. 

“Jacket,” Eric commanded, and Shawn sat up and removed his jacket, while Eric made quick order of his own pants. 

They collapsed back onto the bed, kissing, pressing in to each other, their hard erections bumping each other. Eric rolled on top of Shawn, pinning Shawn’s hands above his head and sinking his hips. 

Shawn groaned, “Eric. I want you to fuck me tonight.”

Eric paused, his hips raised a fraction of an inch above Shawn’s. Shawn felt a slight movement in Eric’s boxers, like his dick had twitched, right after his request. Eric sunk his hips back into Shawn’s.  “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Shawn nodded. Eric leaned down and kissed Shawn lightly on the lips, before helping him remove his shirt. 

____________

 

“Why do you  _think_  I’m so angry?” Cory demanded.  “My best friend and my brother?” He asked incredulously. “What would you do if Angela started sleeping with Nebby?” Cory shook his head before Topanga could answer. “No, no. That’s not even a good comparison. You aren’t as close to Angela as I am to Shawn or as close to Nebby as I am to Eric.”

“You know, Shawn is _my_ friend too,” Topanga pointed out. “I love him and consider him one of my best friends. And, in case you forgot, Eric is my brother-in-law now.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Cory,” Rachel interjected. “Maybe Shawn needs you right now. Maybe he needs a friend.”

Cory laughed mirthlessly. “Needs me? He doesn’t need me for anything, right now. He’s got Eric for  _all_  his needs now.”

Topanga and Rachel exchanged a look. Finally, they’d gotten to the root of Cory’s real issue, but both needed to tread carefully. 

“Is this a jealousy thing?” Topanga asked gently.  “Shawn can still be your best friend-“

Cory cut her off. “A jealousy thing? No. No, it’s not a jealousy thing.”

“Cory, I’m just trying to understand your anger here.”

Cory sat down hard on the chair and rubbed his faced in his hands. “If I tell you something, I need you to promise not to  _hate_  me for this.”

“I could never hate you,” Topanga said quietly, sitting on the arm of the chair and wrapping her arm around Cory’s shoulders reassuringly.

“I don’t have a problem with gay people per se,” Cory began sounding defensive already.  “I think they should be allowed to get married, and have apartments and have babies, and I don’t think there should be all this controversy about any of it.  But...” Cory drifted off momentarily before going on. “The very idea of two guys in bed, and what they do together, really really grosses me out. I think it’s disgusting and repulsive.”

“Cory,” Topanga sounded nearly relieved. “That’s all right to feel like that.”

“No, it’s not,” he insisted. 

“It really is,” Rachel interjected. “The fact that you’re sitting here feeling bad about feeling that way means you’re okay. You can’t help that’s how you feel. I mean, listen. I hate, I absolutely loathe bacon. There are people on this planet who love bacon, but I can’t stand it. I personally hate bacon. I hate bacon so much, that it kind of makes me nauseous to smell it and I can barely stand to watch other people eat it. I hate the way it smells, I hate the way it tastes, I hate the way I can hear it crunch when someone bites into it, and I can tell by a person’s smell if they’ve eaten bacon in the last twelve hours. But, I’m okay with the fact that other people do like bacon, and I’d never want to do anything to keep others from enjoying their bacon.”

“Do you ever wish that you didn’t hate bacon so much? That maybe you’d like to get over that so you can go have a plate of bacon with your best friend?”

______________________

Eric and Shawn were naked, kissing, rolling and fondling each other. Eric pulled away. “We don’t need to do this.”

“I know,” Shawn assured him.

“No, I don’t just mean  _this_  tonight. I mean we don’t have to do this in general. You could probably rent a room from Star. We could make everything right with Cory. We don’t have to be together. I’m sure Cory’d forgive you for this.”

“Eric.” Shawn said and pulled him back down on top of him. “Don’t you think I know that? I’ve made my choice.” He kissed Eric deeply, hoping he got the meaning. Eric was being chosen over Cory.

Eric smiled and grabbed a small bottle of lube out of his nightstand drawer.

“When did you get the lube?” Shawn hadn’t even thought of the need for such provisions. 

“The night we first kissed,” Eric smiled at him and flipped the top open. He dabbed a little lube on his index finger, spread it around.  He gently opened Shawn’s legs.  “Ready?” he asked, his fingers hovering between Shawn’s legs.

“Yes,” Shawn said nervously, and grasped his spread knees as Eric gently entered him with his finger. 

“Relax,” Eric said, leaning down and whispering into Shawn’s ear. “Relax.” Eric’s breath was hot and exciting in Shawn’s ear.

Shawn smiled and took a deep breath, concentrating with all his might on relaxing. It worked, and once he’d relaxed enough, he was able to realize how much he liked this feeling and began moving his hips. Eric added a little more lube to his next digit and added a second finger, causing Shawn to gasp, tighten up and buck his hips simultaneously. 

Eric kissed Shawn as he twisted his hand around and crooked one finger, stroking something, some part of Shawn’s body that sent shivers up his spine and made him see stars. A drop of pre-come glistened on the end of Shawn’s cock and he began stroking himself. 

Eric gently took Shawn’s hand away, “Not yet.”

____________

 “I’m a little confused here,” Rachel said. “I’m not sure how my bacon metaphor is relating to the Shawn situation any more.”

“If you could just get over your squeamishness of watching people eat bacon. Maybe you could work up the nerve to try it.”

“Cory,” Topanga shook her head.  “Are you saying you want to have sex with Shawn?”

“Not exactly,” Cory stood back up, clearly agitated now. “But - this is so much worse than what I just told you before - when he told me that he’s gay, and he hadn’t told me in all these years because he’s been in  _love_  with me.  My first thought was that I wish I could somehow go back in time and make myself be gay and then we could be together.” 

“But then  _we_  wouldn’t be.” Topanga pointed out.

“I know!” Cory exclaimed, tugging slightly at his hair. “That’s what makes this so much worse, because if that’s how it was, I’d never have married you, Topanga. And I don’t really want that. But I’m just trying to be honest here, and honestly, my first thought was that I wish I was gay too.”

“Is that really what you want?”

“No. It’s not. That’s what I don’t understand about all this. That was just ‘boom’ my first gut reaction, to make this easier for Shawn.”

“Cory,” Rachel said gently, clearly looking like she needed to interject because Topanga was starting to get a murderous look on her face. “Maybe this isn’t so much about you wishing you were gay, but more about being upset that there’s now another guy in Shawn’s life?”

“It’s not a jealousy thing,” Cory insisted.

“Are you sure?” Rachel asked. “Look, when Jack first came back into the picture of Shawn’s life, he asked Eric if you two were sleeping together. That’s the type of friends you guys were. The type that you are.” She quickly corrected herself.  “You had this really gay vibe about you. I’d never seen two guy friends so incredibly close before and so incredibly _comfortable_  with each other. Shawn had no dad, a brother who he met right at the cusp of adulthood. You were the most stable man in his life. Do you think  _that’s_ what you’re missing out on? Being the most important man in Shawn’s life?”

“No.” Cory insisted. “I married Topanga. Shawn can go have another relationship and I don’t really care if it’s with a guy. I just don’t want it to be my brother.”

“So maybe you are upset that you aren’t the most important  _Matthews_  in his life?”

“Stop it,” Cory spat at Rachel. “Shawn’s been lying to me for nearly a decade. I have a right to be mad about that.”

______________________

Eric was poised above Shawn, cock lubed and ready. “You ready for this?

Shawn nodded and asked, “Will this hurt?”

Eric hesitated. “Yes. But I’ll do what I can to keep it from being too bad. Your job is to relax.”

“All right,” Shawn nodded seriously.  “Go ahead.

Eric leaned down and kissed Shawn lightly on the lips, as he pressed up on Shawn’s knees and began to slowly work his way into Shawn’s tight body. 

Shawn gasped at the pain of his body stretching when it clearly didn’t want to.  Eric groaned, “Relax,” he hissed, dragging the word out in an exaggerated whisper in Shawn’s ear.

Shawn took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes, willing himself to relax.  He could feel himself relaxing, allowing Eric deeper into himself.  Eric waited for Shawn to relax and slowly began thrusting.  He took Shawn’s hand and replaced it on his cock.  Shawn took the hint and began stroking himself while Eric braced himself and pushed a little further into Shawn’s body. 

_______________________

 “Cory,” Topanga said, her voice remaining infuriatingly calm, “This couldn’t have been easy on Shawn, ever. I’m sure he doesn’t really consider it lying to you.”

 “It’s a lie of omission, and with a really good reason,” Rachel pointed out.

 “Nope.” Cory shook his head. “Not good enough. I would have told him if our situations were reversed.”

 “But you aren’t Shawn,” Rachel pointed out. “I’m sorry, but this whole situation seems so typically Shawn to me.”

 “Oh yeah,” Topanga agreed nodding her head.

“No, it doesn’t.” Cory insisted. “Typical Shawn would have told his best friend. Typical Shawn wouldn’t be sleeping with my brother.”

 “I disagree,” Topanga said. Her face had the appearance of thinking hard. “God, of _course_ Shawn would make a bad decision about keeping a secret. Then of _course_ he’d let it get out of hand, so that when he finally did ‘fess up it would create a big dramatic scene.”

 “That’s what I meant!” Rachel exclaimed, “When I said that the whole situation seems so typically Shawn.”

 “I know!” Topanga agreed. “When Shawn’s involved, of course there’ll be drama, right?”

 “No.” Cory was vehement now.  “You guys don’t know Shawn like I do.  He never wanted the drama. All those times he ran away? It wasn’t about adding drama, it was about running from it. The fact that it ended up creating a little more drama was just....unplanned on his part.”

 “And so is this latest drama,” Rachel pointed out.

 “Face it, Cory. You and Eric come from the stable home Shawn never had. You weren’t available to him and Eric is, and he’s seeking that lack of drama by being with Eric.”

________________________________

 “Are you all right?” Eric asked Shawn as he pulled out and reached over to grab some Kleenex for Shawn. 

 “I’m fine,” Shawn insisted, wiping up his stomach. 

 There was a small silence as the two cleaned up and repositioned themselves so they were lying down and facing each other, covers pulled up to their chins. 

 “This has turned out to be some weekend,” Eric commented. 

 "Yeah,” Shawn agreed. “Cory hates us.”

 “No. He’ll be fine.” Eric sounded so sure of himself, that it did actually give Shawn a little comfort. 

 Shawn reached under the covers and grabbed Eric’s hand. “You really think so?”

“Cory married Topanga, but he’d be lost without you. I’m sorry, but I kind of see his point,” Eric said. “There’s this whole ‘bros before hos’ deal with guys. You don’t sleep with a girl that your buddy has a crush on or used to date. You don’t sleep with your buddy’s sister. And I’d assume the same goes for a brother.”

Shawn lifted himself up onto his shoulder. “So this is my fault?”

“No,” Eric laughed. “I know I’m irresistible. You couldn’t help yourself.”

“Eric, seriously.”

Eric shrugged, “It’s both of you, I guess. You could have been more honest with him this whole time. But you weren’t and it was hard for you and he could be a little more understanding of that.”

“I think his problem is with  _us_  not with  _me.”_ Shawn pointed out.

“So? I reiterate, he’ll get over it.”

“What if he doesn’t?”

“He  _will._ ” Eric stressed.  “It’s Cory. He never stays mad for long. He eventually gets used to change. And, most importantly, he’s got a wife who is much more reasonable a person than he is. I’m sure they’re over there right now and she’s talking some sense into him.”

 ______________

“So Shawn is just sleeping with Eric because of his family? Not because he’s in love with him?”

Topanga sighed and she and Rachel stared at each other like they couldn’t believe someone could be so thick.  “Probably not. Maybe he and Eric do love each other, and that stability is one of the things that Shawn loves.”

 “How are my parents going to take this?” Cory asked.

 “It’s not really any of our business,” Topanga explained. “You can’t tell them, Cory Matthews. That’s up to Eric and Shawn to tell them.”

 “I’m terrible at keeping secrets.”

 “I know,” Topanga said, holding on to his hand. “But you have to do it."

 Cory flopped back on the couch, staring at the ceiling, looking more defeated than angry now. “I’m really unhappy about this,” he admitted. 

 “I know, sweetie,” Topanga rubbed his leg reassuringly. “Just give it some time to sink in. You’ve gone more than a week without talking to Shawn since he moved out, probably the first time that’s happened since you were six. You don’t need to be on the phone with him right this second to hash it out.”

 Cory grabbed on to her hand, linking their fingers together. “I love you,” he said, his eyes closed and his voice constricted. 

 Topanga leaned down, “I know you do.”

 


	13. In Which Cory is Forced Over It

Weeks went by and Shawn hadn’t heard a word from Cory. He tried his hardest not to obsess over it. In fact, he was probably obsessing more over not obsessing over it than he was obsessing over it anyway. Rachel spent a few more nights at their place, assuring them that Cory was coming around. 

“But what’s he saying?” Eric asked one day, his voice only mildly curious. Shawn buried his nose in a book, pretending to read, but really listening carefully to Rachel’s answer. 

“He’s really jumbled. He goes one minute from ‘Shawn’s been lying to me,’ to ‘Poor Shawn, feeling like he had to lie to me,’ to ‘I can’t believe Shawn would sleep with Eric,’ to ‘I can’t believe Eric would sleep with Shawn’-“

Shawn looked up sharply. “So he finally got there, did he? That this wasn’t a one-way street?”

“Yeah, well. Topanga had to point that out to him.” Rachel looked loathe to admit it. 

Shawn threw his book down, now fully entrenched in the conversation. “He’s just like your dad,” Shawn said to Eric. “Assuming that  _I’m_ the one who started it. If something’s gone wrong,  _Shawn_  must be the one to blame. Because Cory couldn’t have gotten himself drunk at sixteen, and Eric certainly can’t make a decision about who to sleep with at twenty five.”  He got up and paced angrily. He turned on Rachel. “How, _exactly_ , is this Cory coming around?”

“Well,” Rachel seemed unsure what to say after Shawn’s outburst. “It’s kind of a tone of voice thing. He’s sounding less angry and more....”

“More what?” Eric leaned over the counter, sucking on a popsicle. 

“Resigned?”

“Great,” Shawn said sarcastically, flopping back onto the couch. “He doesn’t need to be supportive, we just need to wear him down.”

“Ah,” Eric slapped Shawn on the shoulder. Shawn shrugged him off agitatedly. “You know this is how Cory is.”

“No. I don’t.” Shawn said. “Cory’s always been the one who’s been supportive of me, and  _this_  is kind of when I need him to be the most.”

“Don’t be so hard on him,” Eric said, slurping up the last of the popsicle and smacking his purple lips together. 

“How can you say that?”

“Babe. Really?  How can I say that?” Eric cupped his hands around his mouth and leaned toward Shawn, and said in a magnified voice, “You’re fucking his brother!” Eric took his hands away.  “All right?  It’s reasonable for him to be pissed. I’m just glad he’s finally pissed at _both_ of us.”

“What if Cory had started sleeping with Jack?” Rachel challenged.

Shawn paused. “I’d be happy for them.”

“I call bullshit on that,” Rachel laughed. “Maybe eventually, but you’d be pissed too.”

“It’s like Cory and Topanga’s wedding all over again!” Eric said his eyebrow cocked in the way that shows he’s had a moment of inspiration. 

“What?” Shawn asked at the same time Rachel said, “Yeah!”

“This really isn’t much different than your fears that your relationship would change when Cory and Topanga got married,” Eric pointed out. 

Shawn scoffed, but was clearly at a loss for words for a few minutes. “It’s not the same thing at all. You realize that was just as much about me being in  _love_  with Cory and officially losing any chance at all with him.” Shawn blushed as he said it.  He and Eric hadn’t talked very often about Shawn’s obvious seven year crush on Eric’s younger brother. It was a topic Shawn wanted very much to avoid, fearing that it would make Eric feel like he was nothing more than a second choice. 

But Eric was unfazed. “You never had a chance with Cory and you had to have had that figured out by the time they got married. You losing out on a non-existent chance at something versus him thinking he’s going to lose out on a lifelong friendship?”

“Whose side are you on anyway?” Shawn asked Eric.

“Oh yours, definitely.” Eric squeezed himself behind Shawn on the couch and started massaging his shoulders. Rachel looked away pointedly. “I think Cory’s being an ass about this.  But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a fair point or two. He could just be more of an adult and, you know, talk to us.”

It was unfair, Eric trying to make a point while giving one of his shoulder rubs that was so good it was nearly orgasm-inducing.  “Mmm.” Shawn said, closing his eyes slightly. 

“Let’s have them over for dinner,” Rachel announced.

“What?” Shawn was broken out of his reverie. “No, Rach.  I’m not ready for that. I want Cory to come to me first.”

“Topanga and I discussed this. We agreed that we just need to force you boys to all get together. I said I’d suggest it here, but if you say no, she’s planning on doing it anyway. Sunday night.”

“I’m babysitting Tyler for Star on Sunday anyway,” Shawn pointed out.

“OK. Saturday night it is then.” Rachel said happily. “Can you cook, Eric?"

“Wait!” Shawn said. “We didn’t agree to this.”

Eric ignored Shawn and answered Rachel, “Yeah, I could cook something.”

“You want to do this?” Shawn asked Eric, surprised.

Eric shrugged. “Might as well. You know Cory just needs to be forced to talk this through.  Topanga knows what she’s doing.”

“Topanga’s meddling.” Shawn said snidely. 

“Oh yeah, she definitely is.” Eric agreed. “But that doesn’t mean it’s not a good idea.”

Shawn didn’t want this. He was angry that Cory was angry, and Eric’s reasonableness was bothering him. By being so reasonably agreeable to everything, it made Shawn’s anger seem very _un_ reasonable by contrast, giving Shawn less of an argument. He remained silent while Rachel and Eric planned a menu and while Rachel texted Topanga to let her know about the plans for Saturday, only two nights away. 

That night in bed (Rachel had insisted on taking the couch now that she was feeling better and she knew that the bed was  _their_  bed, not just Eric’s) Shawn staunchly refused to talk about the upcoming dinner.  “This is your’s and Rachel’s and Topanga’s thing,” he whispered to Eric.  “Leave me out of it. If Cory wants to talk when they come over then great, I’ll talk to him.”

“But-"

“Can we drop it?”

“OK.” Eric said quietly. He leaned in and put his chin on Shawn’s shoulder. “I have something else I want to talk to you about.”

“What?”

“Do you like living here?”

“What? You mean in this apartment? It’s nice enough.”

“No, I mean in New York. Do you like living in New York?”

Shawn sighed. “I don’t know.  Everyone says New York is so great, but I’m just going to work and coming home. Not really doing anything so New York-y. I guess I don’t hate it. Why, do you hate it?”

“Eh.” Eric said.  “Don’t laugh. But I kind of miss my parents.”

Shawn laughed.  

“I said don’t laugh!” Eric said indignantly. 

“Sorry. I just never pegged you for being such a mama’s boy.”

Eric sighed.  “It’s not that. OK, stop laughing at me. Seriously.” Shawn could tell by Eric’s tone of voice that he was smiling. “I’m just a little bit of a homebody. Philly’s my home."

“So you want to move back?”

“Yeah. But only if you come with.”

Shawn shifted his body so he was facing Eric.  “New York. Philly. It’s not important to me where we live.”

Eric leaned in for a kiss.  “I want to apply to culinary school.”

“Wait. What?” Shawn propped himself up on his elbow.  “Can we afford that?”

“I can go in the evenings, work at my dad’s store during the day.  _You_ could find a job and go back to Pennbrooke in the evenings. Or go to school during the day and find an evening job. We could do it.”

“Where would we live?”

“We’d have jobs. Maybe crappier than what we have here, but rent is so much cheaper to come by in Philly.”

Shawn thought of his job, which he did like. But then he started thinking about that English degree he wishes he’d had. Shawn knew his writing was good, but lacked a little focus, a little something that maybe a professor could help him with. 

“I don’t know, Eric.”

“We have time, just think about it. We have eight months left on our lease here anyway. In that time you and Cory can make up. We can both apply to schools, and we can come out to my parents, so when we move back it won’t seem so weird.”

“I-. Wait. God, we have to come out to your parents at some point!” Shawn exclaimed.

“Uh, yeah, we kinda do.”

“Shit.”

“We can wait. Wait till you work this thing out with Cory.”

“Yeah,” Shawn said faintly, “let’s wait at least until then.” He didn’t really feel like talking about it anymore, so he leaned in and started kissing Eric. 

Eric knew that Shawn was starting this just to avoid the topic, but that was fine with him. He reached between Shawn’s legs and started stroking. 

In the other room, Rachel rolled her eyes and pulled a pillow over her ears. Clearly Eric and Shawn (mostly Shawn from the sound of the groans) had forgotten that she was within ear shot.  _Obviously_  she thought to herself,  _they’ve not only forgotten about me, but the fact that they have neighbors.  Better not tell Cory about_ this. 

______

 

Shawn could tell from the look on Cory’s face that he’d been dragged to dinner. He could tell by the tense look on Topanga’s face that Cory had, at least, put up quite a fight. Shawn didn’t know what to say and suddenly wished he hadn’t refused to talk to Eric about this dinner for the last several days, so they could at least have come up with a game plan.  Cory and Shawn were on the periphery, Topanga, Eric and Rachel grouped together and talking happily. 

Eric got everyone beers and they sat in the living room. Shawn on one end of the couch with Eric seated closely next to him and Topanga on the far end. Rachel and Cory were seated on dining room chairs that had been dragged over for the occasion. 

“So,” Topanga said brightly, clapping her hands on her knees. “We’re here to talk some things our, right?” All eyes darted between Cory and Shawn, neither of whom said anything.  Topanga was unfazed.  “Do you want to start, Cory?”

“Not really.” Cory refused to make eye contact with Shawn.

“Shawn?” Topanga urged.

“Nope.”

Topanga faltered, but only for a moment. “I could always call Feeny in,” she threatened. 

“Feeny?” Rachel asked.

“These two fought,” Topanga started out, pointing between Cory and Shawn, “when Cory started applying for colleges Shawn couldn’t get in to. I had to enlist Feeny to act as a go-between.”

“What’d he do?”

“He reminded them of how they met. Remember, guys?”

“Topanga, we’re not seventeen anymore, all right? This is bigger than just some kind of zoo rescue when we were six,” Shawn pointed out quietly. 

“That’s why we should talk about it,” Topanga insisted.

“Topanga. No,” Cory said forcefully. He stood up. “I don’t really need to hear from two _more_ people,” he waved his hands toward Eric and Shawn, “how wrong I am.”  He looked around, and Shawn knew the look, Cory was feeling trapped, caged and he wanted to run. Shawn wondered what Topanga had said to him to convince him to even come to dinner tonight. With no place to really go, Cory headed for the bathroom. 

Shawn stood up, “I hope you didn’t make him feel  _bad_  about himself,” he admonished Topanga and Rachel. 

He didn’t really know what made him turn on Rachel and Topanga like that and defend Cory. He didn’t really understand the wave of sympathy he suddenly felt for Cory. Seeing him look scared and defiant all at once had made something in Shawn’s head click.  _This_  is what he should have expected.  _This_ was Cory being Cory and being fearful of too much change.  It had always been one of the things he loved about Cory and the fact that this quirk in Cory’s personality suddenly affected him shouldn’t mean that he couldn’t still love this about him. 

Shawn went to the bedroom and waited. He heard the toilet flush and the water running, probably longer than it needed to. When the door opened, Shawn cleared his throat. Cory looked surprised, but stepped into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

“I don’t think you’re wrong,” Shawn said. 

“But you don’t even know what I’ve been saying.”

Shawn shrugged. “You aren’t wrong for how you feel, no matter what it is. But, you know, maybe you could tell me?”

Cory sighed and flopped onto the bed next to Shawn. He lay down, facing up. “All this change with switching schools, and moving to New York and getting married? That’s all just part of becoming adults.  _This_  thing with you and Eric isn’t. That’s real change, not just growing up change.”

“I know,” Shawn said quietly. “I know you, Cor. And I know you like things to stay the way they are. But I also know you want me to be happy.”

Cory was silent for a moment.

“I have that right, right?” Shawn laughed nervously.  “You do want me to be happy?”

Cory reached over and grabbed Shawn’s hand and shook it lightly. “You know I do.”

“‘Cause I’ve gotta tell you, Cor. I am. I am really happy with Eric.”

Cory patted Shawn’s hand. “I’m glad for you.”

“But?” Shawn prompted, knowing there was more. 

Cory shrugged. “I’m not in love with the idea of losing you to my brother.” It sounded like a major admission, one Shawn had to tread lightly around. 

Shawn lay down next to Cory, who was still lying face up staring at the ceiling. Shawn turned to his side and propped himself up on one elbow.  “If it makes you feel any better, I’m sorry now about how I reacted to you getting married.  I never should have made that about me losing you rather than you getting Topanga.”

There was a long pause before Cory said, “Topanga made the same analogy. About you and our wedding.”

“Topanga can read people,” Shawn assured Cory. “She told me before your wedding that she knows I love you.” Shawn didn’t know why he blushed when he said it, because God, they all knew about it now, didn’t they? He left off the last part of Topanga’s statement, which was that he loved Cory more than she did. No reason to bring _that_ up. 

Cory shifted uncomfortably, not making eye contact with Shawn.  _Okay._ Shawn thought to himself.  _That’s Cory’s limit. I can’t talk about past feelings._

“I do, you know.” Cory said suddenly.  “Want you to be happy.”

“Eric makes me happy,” Shawn assured him. 

Cory sighed resignedly.  “I know. Really, I’ve known it ever since you told me. I’m just fighting it because it makes me personally uncomfortable.”

“Uncomfortable how?”

For the first time since they started this conversation, Cory took his eyes off the ceiling and looked at Shawn.  “You really think there’s nothing wrong with how I feel?”

Shawn shrugged, “Your feelings are your feelings.”

“Hmm.” Cory said thoughtfully. He shifted his body, so he was no longer lying on his back, but also on his side, facing Shawn. “I’m kind of grossed out by the thought of gay sex.”

Shawn didn’t say anything for a moment, a slow smile spreading across his face.  “Really?”  He started laughing, and couldn’t stop. “ _Really?_ That’s what you’ve been so concerned about?” 

“Shawnie,” Cory said defensively.  “I feel really bad about this.” Though he sounded relieved to hear Shawn’s laughter. 

“Oh my God, Cory.”  Shawn gasped for breath. “I won’t go into  _detail_ , if that’ll make you feel better.”

“Well, I don’t know. Now you’re making me feel like an idiot with all your laughing,” Cory said, but he was starting to smile and laugh a little too. As Cory started laughing, Shawn felt his own laughter continue to swell up. 

“Oh my God, were you really feeling bad about that?” Shawn wiped a tear of laughter out of his eye.

“Yes!” Cory said. “I don’t want you to think I’m a homophobe.”

For the first time in months, Shawn had the urge to lean over and kiss Cory on the lips.  But it was different this time, he didn’t want to do it out of passion or longing.  He wanted to do it out of reassurance and friendship.  Still, he held off. “It’s nice that you’re so concerned. Even with these last couple weeks, I never really thought that was your issue though. I figured it was just about me and your brother.”

“Well, there is that too.”

“I’m sorry,” Shawn said sincerely, his laughter dying down. “I’m sorry it happened and I’m sorry it’s you that’s being affected.” 

“What’ll happen if you two break up?” Cory asked seriously. “I can’t choose between you two.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t think like that. Maybe we should just cross that bridge when we come to it.”

“You hate cliches,” Cory pointed out.

Shawn shrugged. “Star used it. It seemed appropriate.”

“Star knows?”

“Yeah,” Shawn nodded his head. “She was the first to know.” 

“Who else knows?”

“Me, Eric, Star, You, Rachel, and Topanga.”

“That’s it?”

“Feeny knows Eric is seeing a guy, but he doesn’t know it’s me.”

“I bet Feeny knows,” Cory said. “He knows everything and is sitting there, biding his time waiting for a big announcement, so he can be all bland and ‘Oh yes.  If figured that one out,’ about it.”

Shawn snickered. 

“When are you going to tell our parents?” Cory asked curiously. 

Shawn hesitated.  “I need you to be on board with this first, Cor.”

“I’m on board. I’m reluctant though.” He hesitated. “I can admit that to you, right?”

“Definitely. Cory, you’re still my best friend.”

“All right, best friend. Tell me what’s been going on the last few weeks, but remember to leave out the prurient details, please.”

Shawn laughed.  “Um. OK. Eric and I are talking about moving back to Philly when our lease is up.”

“Really?”

Shawn nodded. “It’s not definite. But he wants to go to culinary school, and I really want to finish up at Pennbrooke.”

“Oh. God, Shawn.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I mean, Philly, right? It’s home and it’s just a train ride away.”

Shawn was pretty sure Cory was acting happier than he maybe really was, but decided not to call him out on it. Instead he agreed.  “It’s a really short train ride too.  And we’d be here all the time to visit you guys and Star.”

“OK. Well, it’s not for a while then is it?”

“No.  We have almost eight months on our lease.

“All right then.”

They lay on the bed a happy, comfortable silence growing between them. Finally Cory spoke up, “We should go back out there.  They’re probably worried about us.”

“Yeah, OK,” Shawn said, sitting up on the edge of the bed, but not going further than that. “Thanks, Cory.”

Cory stood up and leaned over Shawn and kissed him on the forehead. Shawn recognized the enormity of that affection and closed his eyes into it.  “I’m sorry for the way I acted,” he admitted. 

Shawn smiled and took Cory’s hand, happy to have both the kiss and the hand grabbing feel nothing more than sweetly platonic.  “Let’s go eat.”


	14. In Which Alan Voices Concerns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These last two chapters were written more than a year after I'd written the first 13 chapters. (Because I had a baby after the 13th chapter). I really had only written them to wrap up the story because I hated leaving it dangling and undone. So that might explain why it feels rushed.

“They can’t handle it any worse than Cory did, can they?” Shawn asked Eric nervously several weeks later. They’d put off telling Amy and Alan about their relationship, but Shawn’s application for re-entry into Pennbrooke was due soon. And he needed a letter of recommendation from Feeny, and asking Feeny for a recommendation would certainly lead to Feeny talking to Amy and Alan about it. And that would likely lead to Amy and Alan calling them and wanting to know what was going on. It really was better to just let the cat out of the bag first.

“I can tell Feeny first, if that’ll make you feel better.” Eric said. 

“No. If they find out that Feeny knew before them, that might really insult them. It’s better that they know first.”

“OK,” Eric agreed, nodding his head. “Then how do you want to do this? Visit them? Or over the phone.”

“Phone,” Shawn said immediately. He stood up and started pacing. “Phone. If they freak out, they can have time to calm down before we have to see them again, right?”

Eric began reaching for the phone and Shawn reached out to grab his hand. “Not yet.”

“When?”

“When I’m not here.”

“Shawn, no. You should be here.”

“I’m sorry. I know. I know I  _should_ be here, but I just can’t. I need them to be OK with this for reasons that you could never possibly understand. And if their gut reaction is as bad as Cory’s gut reaction, I can  _not_  know that. I need to come back when the conversation’s over, when they’ve had time to calm down.”

“Do you think it’ll be that bad?”

“I didn’t think Cory would be that bad,” Shawn pointed out. 

Eric drew his hand away from the phone slowly. “All right. But this has to happen soon, right?”

“Yes. Yes. Definitely.” Shawn nodded his head. 

___________

 

Two days later, Shawn returned home from work at his usual hour and found Eric cooking dinner in the kitchen. Eric leaned in for a kiss, and as Shawn began taking his jacket off, he said casually, “It’s been done.”

“What has?”

“I called my parents this afternoon. I knew neither of them were at the store today, so I called them at home.”

“What? God, how’d they take it?”

Eric smirked, “They were...uh...surprised. To say the least.”

“What’s that mean? Tell me everything.”

Eric put a casserole dish in the oven and set the timer. “Let’s sit.” They sat at two chairs by the dining room table. “They aren’t mad,” he told Shawn reassuringly. 

“OK,” Shawn said, both relieved and apprehensive about what would come next. 

“But they aren’t thrilled either.”

“OK,” Shawn clearly couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Their big thing is that I’m twenty-five and I never mentioned anything about, you know, myself to them. That I was anything but straight. They’re OK, I guess with the fact that you didn’t say anything to them. A little more understanding or whatever of your circumstances than with mine.”

“Well. That’s nice at least. For me anyway.”

“They’re not thrilled that we’re living together.”

Shawn snorted. “We don’t exactly have the option to get married.”

“Not like  _that._  They just think we’re doing things backwards. You know becoming roommates then becoming ‘involved,’ which were their words. I don’t know what they want, for one of us to move out so we can work on our relationship or whatever then decide we’re ready to live together?  I don’t know. They think we’ve moved to fast.  They’re really worried about your and Cory’s relationship. So you know, they’re worried, but they’re OK.”

“All right,” Shawn said, nodding his head. “This isn’t that bad, is it?”

“Mom wants you to call her.”

“What? Why?” 

Eric shrugged. “She just wants to talk it out with you or something.”

“Tonight?”

“Not necessarily. Just sometime.”

“Who was more worried?  Your mom or your dad?”

Eric laughed. “You know. Dad was quieter so I’m not exactly sure what’s going on in his mind.  He’s the one who brought up the Cory thing. Mom was more insistent that we’re moving too fast. She even used the phrase ‘courting period,’ at one point and I reminded her that we aren’t living on the prairie.”

Shawn smiled weakly. It wasn’t like Amy’s concerns weren’t his own as well. He could see where she was coming from.  He always thought you dated someone for a good year before moving in with them, not the other way around.  Still, this news was certainly good and he felt a weight being lifted off his shoulder and his blood pressure lowering from the high it’d been hovering at since he first told Cory. 

“I think you’re brave,” he admitted to Eric. “I couldn’t have told them.”

Eric shrugged, “You expect the worst from people sometimes Shawn. I don’t really expect the best, but I don’t really base my happiness on what other people think of me.”

“So are we, like, out now?” 

Eric smiled, “Does that scare you?”

Shawn thought carefully for a few moments. “I thought it would, but I actually feel kind of relieved.”

Eric laughed, “I knew you would.”

Shawn rolled his eyes. Of  _course_  Eric magically knew that about him, and Shawn was getting ready to say something to that effect when Eric’s phone rang. 

Eric looked at the number on the screen, “Cory,” he said answering it, “What’s up?”  A short pause and Eric looked at Shawn and smiled, “Yeah, he’s right here,” and he held the phone out to Shawn. 

Shawn took the phone. Since their talk a few weeks earlier, they hadn’t spoken often. A couple of phone calls or texts about who Rachel would be staying with, an email with an announcement from the Philly paper announcing the engagement of one Stuart Minkus, but not much else. They weren’t exactly avoiding each other, as unsure how to take the next step in what had turned out to be a very different friendship than they had planned on.

“Hey, Cor.”

“So I just got off the phone with my mom.”

“Oh yeah? Anything interesting?”

“Shawn. You know it was.”

“Eric said they’re OK. Are they really?” It wasn’t that Shawn was doubting Eric, exactly. It was more that Shawn was convinced Amy and Alan weren’t as open with Eric on this issue as they would have been with Cory. 

“They’re surprised. They’re dealing with it. Better than I did, by the way."

"Good."

"They want us to spend a weekend in Philly soon."

Shawn sighed. "I don't know," he said hesitantly.

"They're paying for the train tickets," Cory explained. "That's how badly they want to see us."

"Why all of us? Why not just me and Eric?" Cory went quiet. "Are they uncomfortable with just me and Eric there? Do they need you an Topanga there so things aren't gayed up too much?"

Cory sounded angry, "Don't say that! You know my parents. You know they don't care about the gay thing, Shawn. This is big news, OK? Maybe they want me and Topanga to be a part of it. Maybe they aren't used to seeing you without me and they don't want to leave me out."

"You're right," Shawn agreed. "If they're buying us tickets, I guess we have no choice but to go, do we?"

"Excellent," Cory said. "We're leaving on Friday."

"Wait! That soon? That's only two days away!"

"Isn't it  _wonderful_?" Cory asked, mockingly.

________________________________

 

Topanga had rented a car this time, so Alan did not meet the four of them at the train station. But he did meet them at the front door.

Alan gave each of them a hug in turn, but stopped Shawn from entering the house after his hug. Alan's hand gripped Shawn's shoulder. "Shawn," he said. "I was just going to the hardware store, I'd like you to come along."

"Uh," Shawn said, "Maybe I could help Mrs. Matthews with dinner?"

Alan pushed Shawn toward the minivan a little roughly. "Oh no. We'll be picking up takeout on the way back."

Shawn looked back at Eric, who smiled widely and waved goodbye.  "See ya!" he called. Shawn stared at him as Eric turned and trotted toward Mr. Feeny's house, "Feeny!" he called.

There was no way out of it. Shawn was headed to the hardware store with Alan, and his only hope that this wasn't Angry Alan. As he buckled his seatbelt, he took a cleansing breath, hoping he'd survive the trip.

They rode in silence for a good three minutes before Alan sighed. “You always were a part of this family.”  He sounded defeated. 

“I’m sorry.” Shawn blurted out. 

Alan glanced sideways at Shawn and shifted a little in his seat. “What are you sorry for?”

Shawn paused for a moment, kind of unsure himself why he was so sorry.  “I don’t know. Because I’m the gay one and it complicates things for the whole Matthews family.”

Alan smiled sideways, “I don’t blame you for being gay, Shawn.”

“But I didn’t have to start-“ Shawn broke off, he’d almost said  _sleeping with Eric_  before he realized that wouldn’t be appropriate to say in front of Eric’s father, even though he was certain Alan had to have figured that part out.  “-seeing Eric,” he finished lamely. 

“Eric’s a big boy,” Alan shrugged. “I’m sure he was willing. To start _seeing_ you.”

“Yeah,” Shawn agreed. “But we didn’t make Cory too happy.”

“Well, that’s to be expected.”

Shawn nodded, saying nothing. 

There was another pause before Alan continued. “You know I’d never tell anyone this, but if you put both of my sons together, they’d make one smart person. But separately, they’re both kind of half-wits.”

Shawn laughed a little, shocked to hear a parent speaking so frankly and negatively about his children. “How do you mean?”

“C’mon, Shawn. You know both of them pretty well.  Eric somehow is one of the most perceptive people I know, while lacking common sense and completely lacking in any book-smarts. Cory’s doing great in college but he can’t read and relate to most people for shit.”

“I disagree.” Shawn said. “About Cory anyway.”

“You think?”

“We got along fine. Until now. He never cared that I was poor or that I didn’t get as good grades as him. And he and Topanga relate to each other fine.”

Alan sighed, “Oh, I’m not doubting his kindness. I don’t doubt that in either one of them. But as far as perception with Cory? I don’t see it. You’ve been gay your whole life.  _I_  saw it, Eric saw it, Topanga saw it. George Feeny saw it. Jonathan Turner even suspected it years ago. But Cory never saw it. Sure you guys got along, but he had to have been really blind not to have seen that. And Cory and Topanga get along fine, but Shawn. They got married at twenty. They get along, but...” Alan drifted off.  “He’s really going to need you as a friend if that relationship doesn’t last.”

“Cory and Topanga not lasting?”

“They don’t really listen to each other. They get along and they have fun, which is fine for now.  And if they can grow and mature together at the same rate, they’ll be fine.”

“Didn’t you and Mrs. Matthews get married at nineteen?”

“Yes, but we’re the exception to the married young rule. And I’ve always considered that as much luck as hard work.”

Shawn stared out the window, watching the familiar Philly landscape roll by. He’d never really considered that Cory and Topanga’s relationship wouldn’t last. It’d been such a constant in his life.  And it’d always been the reason Shawn gave himself for  _not_  trying to kiss Cory - that it wouldn’t be right to do to Topanga. Somehow, Shawn always had managed to forget about Cory’s heterosexuality. 

He still didn’t quite know why Alan brought him along on this useless trip to the hardware store, and he let the conversation die down for another couple minutes. 

Alan had admitted something big to him, his real feelings about his sons. And Shawn felt close to him like he’d never had before and wondered if this is what it felt like to bond with a father.  “I’m still sorry, you know. You guys had such the perfect family, The Matthewses. I feel like I’m screwing it all up, just by being here.”

“You don’t think you add anything to the family?”

Shawn shrugged. “Um. No. When I was a kid I mooched food and shelter from you. Cory would have been an angel of a kid if it wasn’t for me leading him in to trouble. And if it wasn’t for me, Eric could have probably found a girl and gotten married and had babies, which probably would have made you a lot happier than all this.”

“Huh.” Alan looked thoughtful. “Well, for what it’s worth my goal has never been to get Eric married off and into fatherhood. My goal has always been for my kids to be happy and to be themselves.”

“Eric could have been happy with-“

Alan cut him off. “It doesn’t matter though, does it? He’s happy with you and  _that_  makes me happy with you.”

“I appreciate that.” Shawn said quietly, relieved.

They pulled into the parking lot of the hardware store. Alan turned off the ignition. "Look, Shawn. I have two concerns. My concerns are Eric and Cory. I'm concerned that Cory is losing his best friend-"

"He's still my best friend," Shawn assured Alan.

Alan continued as though Shawn hadn't said anything. "And with Eric." Alan sighed, "Well. The first thing I said to you when you got into the car was that you've always been a part of this family."

"Right," Shawn said, drawing out the word a little. 

Alan unbuckled the seatbelt and turned to Shawn. "I in no way mean this to offend you. I just want to make sure that you like Eric for being Eric, not for being a Matthews."

"What?"

"I just need to make sure that, if you're in love with my son, that you really do love  _him_ , and not that he can get you to be officially part of this family. Because you already were a part of this family."

Shawn didn't say anything for a few moments. Then a slow smile spread across his face.  "I love him," he assured Alan nodding. He turned and looked out the window, "I really do."

Alan opened the car door, ready to leave. "That's good enough for me."

 


	15. In Which it's Moving Day

At 8:30 in the morning, Shawn and Eric were awoken by a loud knocking on their bedroom door. "Up and at them!" Rachel called cheerfully. "Today, the apartment becomes mine. All mine!"

Shawn rolled over and groaned, while Eric sat up and looked at him with bleary eyes. "What time did you get in last night?" Eric asked.

"Dunno." Shawn mumbled. "Cory and I closed down the bar last night, then walked around for a good hour.  So, I guess maybe three or four?  God," he groaned, "I'm so hungover."

Eric got up. "You stay. I'll get you some coffee."

"Thanks," Shawn mumbled into his pillow. He thought about last night. He and Cory were going out for one last hurrah, one last time as best friends before Eric and Shawn's big move back to Philadelphia. They went to The Pub, of course, where Gretchen, not noticing Cory's wedding band (because who even  _thinks_  to look for that on a guy Cory's age?), slipped him her number. And where the new hipster bartender slipped Shawn his number. They would never call, but it made them both feel good, flattered.

After several drinks, Cory said solemnly, "You know I've been thinking."

"Uh-oh," Shawn said.

Cory smirked and punched Shawn hard in the shoulder. "I've been thinking that I was a little unfair to you and Eric."

"Unfair how?"

"I think you guys are uncomfortable around me. Like, the last time we were over, you didn't even sit on the couch together. Eric was on the couch and you were at one of the dining room chairs. Why don't you sit next to him?"

Shawn shrugged. "We aren't uncomfortable around you, Cor. We don't want to make you uncomfortable. You said yourself, you had issues yourself thinking about...you know."

"Right," Cory said firmly, pointing at Shawn. "But that's gotta change, right?" He took a long pull on his beer. "I think next time we see you guys, you should kiss Eric in front of me."

Shawn laughed, "What?"

"Yeah," Cory nodded, suddenly sounding like this was a good idea. "And sit next to him on the couch. And call him 'babe,' or 'honey,' or whatever you normally call each other."

"What if I call him Sweetcock?" Shawn asked innocently.

"That," Cory said, thinking hard, "would be a little too much."

Shawn burst out laughing. "Don't worry. I'd never call him Sweetcock."

"Oh, thank God." Cory sighed.

"It's usually Sugar Cock."

"Ahh!" Cory looked appalled and covered his ears.  "God, Shawnie. I'm going to miss this."

"Tell me something Cory." Shawn said, changing the subject.

"About what?"

"I don't know. Just tell me something I haven't heard from you before."

"We know everything about each other, Shawnie."

"No we don't. Not anymore. Tell me something I don't know about you."

Cory thought for a minute. "Topanga wants to have a baby while she's still in law school."

"Why the holy fuck would she want to do that?"

Cory shrugged. "Hell if I know."

"Are you going to do it?"

Cory shrugged again, "Hell if I know."

Shawn thought of the moment when Alan had told him that Cory and Topanga's relationship would last only if they matured at the same rate and he got distinctly uncomfortable.

"Now you tell me something," Cory said to Shawn.

"You want to know why Angela really broke up with me?"

"You told me this. She figured out you're gay," Cory said dismissively.

"That's....not the whole story." When Cory looked up, interested, Shawn continued. "One time, we were having sex and I called out your name when I came."

"Shawn." Cory said. "Between this and Sugar Cock, I can say that you are really pushing the whole comfort thing here. You are really making me regret telling you that I want to be more comfortable with this."

"Sorry."

Cory waved his hand, as if to dismiss the thought. "Nah.  It's fine, right? We're fine, right?"

"Yeah, Cor.  Of course we are."

_____________________

Shawn gratefully accepted Eric's coffee, and got up to shower. The last shower in this New York apartment.  When he got out, he helped Eric strip the sheets off the bed. The bed that they were leaving in New York for Rachel, who now working at the U.N., and was staying in this apartment. 

Eric stuffed the sheets into a duffel bag, and Shawn sat down on the foot of the bed and sighed.

"What's wrong?" Eric asked.

"I'm kind of going to miss this place," Shawn admitted.

"Aww, we'll like being back in Philly though."  Eric straddled Shawn's legs and pushed him back so he was lying face up on the bed. Eric leaned down and kissed Shawn deeply.

The kiss was interrupted by Alan, who walked in to the bedroom, without knocking, saying "Moving van's here!" Although Alan showed no signs of discomfort at walking in on Eric lying on top of Shawn and kissing him, Shawn blanched and quickly rolled out from under Eric. 

Rachel ran in the room and immediately began measuring the windows, "I'm gonna hang curtains in here. Pink, or lavender. Something insanely girly."

Eric turned to Shawn and Alan, "Rachel will be of no help with moving."

Before they were able to make the first run to the van, Star walked into the apartment, "I brought bagels!" She called out and began pulling several types of bagels from a nearby deli. "Can you even get bagels in Philly?" she asked.

Eric shook his head, "Every New Yorker thinks you can't get bagels anywhere else," and he rolled his eyes, while stuffing a poppy-seed bagel into his mouth.

Star turned to Shawn and hugged him hard. "I'm going to miss you," she said.

Shawn patted her back as he returned her hug. "Don't. You'll be fine. Come for a visit, we can show Tyler the liberty bell."

Star sniffed and laughed a little. "I will, I promise."

Eric and Shawn loaded up Alan's van with help from Star and Alan. As soon as there was room in the bedroom, Rachel immediately began filling it up with her things.  Shawn was a little hurt - was Rachel even going to miss them?

After everything was taken out of the apartment, and Star had left to go home, Alan was in the alley, rearranging the items in the van, never satisfied that it was packed quite right. Shawn and Eric had a quiet moment to themselves in the apartment.

They were standing in the kitchen, Eric leaning against the counter.

"This is where I first kissed you," Shawn pointed out.

Eric laughed and nodded, "Right. And there's the door you ran out of immediately after ward."

Shawn shifted uncomfortably. "Really. Why do you even put up with me?"

Eric tugged on Shawn's hips, pulling him closer, "I think you're worth it."

"Mmmm," Shawn said, non-commitally, as he leaned in for another kiss.

"You are," Eric assured him, pulling back a little.

"OK," Shawn agreed. "I'm awesome." This time he was successful at capturing Eric's lips before Eric could say another word.

They were interrupted by Rachel and Alan, both coming to let them know the van was completely packed. 

"Boy, will I be glad to never walk in on  _this_  again," Rachel told Alan, who rolled his eyes.

"Come on boys, I'd like to leave now before traffic gets too bad."

Rachel burst into tears. Shawn, Eric and Alan looked at each other, unsure what to say or do.

"Hey, Rach," Shawn said tentatively, leaning over and touching his fingertips to her arm, and was taken aback when Rachel leaned in for a fierce hug.

"Thank you guys. For everything. For letting me come back and giving me a place to stay. You can never know how much I appreciate every thing."

Eric leaned in, hugging both Shawn and Rachel, his eyes beginning to get a little moist. Then Alan said, "What the hell," and leaned in also. All four enveloped in a big bear hug. After a few happy seconds, Alan said, "Really though, I'm double-parked."

After last kisses and good luck wishes to Rachel, Eric and Shawn followed Alan out of the building and into the van.

They didn't look back as the van left the city, heading south toward Philadelphia. Toward home.


End file.
